Archive For The “Marriage Problems” Category

Financial Infidelity and Financial Abuse in Marriage

Financial Infidelity and Financial Abuse Signs, Action Steps and Statistics. Financial Infidelity Grounds for Divorce.

 

Does your spouse acts weird when it comes to money and don’t want to talk over money issues? 

Do you feel helpless when you try to start a conversation about saving/spending/anything! Regarding money?

Or maybe they just ignore your hints and avoid sticking to the subject?

Do you feel used? Tired? Confused?

Read on; I’m here to help!

All those are just the foam of all signs of financial infidelity…

…or a financial abuse!

And you are its victim!

Except…

Loading...

…You don’t know it!

What you want is simple, isn’t it?

financial infidelity in marriage financial abuse

Financial Infidelity Grounds for Divorce

You want to create a marriage full of trust, love, security, clear communication and deep connection. You would love both of you to contribute to the financial aspect of your married life, to pay off all the annoying debts and live your life free of any worry and sleepless nights.

However, lately, you feel like something’s wrong…

You think “Am I going crazy over insignificant things?”

“Is it fair to ask my partner to be more money aware when even I am still learning?”

“Will I destroy our relationship if we start fighting over money? Wasn’t that the shortcut to divorce?”

“Will I lose their trust if I’m wrong about this?”

Well, let’s make things clear first before you have that talk with your significant one.

 

What is financial infidelity?

What is financial abuse? 

Are they as bad as cheating? 

Are they fixable? 

Is it possible to be their victim even if you consider yourself as a smart and educated person? (short answer – YES!)

Let’s dig into family money, and financial infidelity, financial abuse and the difference between them.

Did you know…?

31% of all couples clash over money issues monthly 

 

More than three couples out of ten argue over debts, fail to communicate effectively over money, paying off debts and spending money in a “smart way” (if there’s one at all…).

How to know if you are a victim of financial infidelity and your spouse is lying to you? Are there any signs?

 

Of course, there are signs.

Easy to be seen…

… as long as you know where to look.

My goal in this post is to make you aware that even the one you love and vow to share everything with, might be hiding something from you… that they shouldn’t.

I will go over:

– Signs of financial infidelity;

– Financial abuse and its manipulation goals

– Financial ABUSE and when you should run as fast as you can

– Actions to take if you find out your spouse is hiding money from you

– How to deal with the debts in case you still want to fix the problems

Signs of financial infidelity – hiding money and its cons…

 

Hiding money! 

Sounds childish but surprisingly everyone had done it at some point in their life.

Have you ever both something and hid its price from your spouse?

Did you wait at least three months after you met your significant one to tell them about your debts?

Well, you’ve cheated financially too… Small, but still counts.

The reasons are countless, but today we’ll focus on the perfect case…

Which means…

Your spouse doesn’t hide money because you like to spend them!

You consider yourself as a financially educated person and don’t believe you overspend. You were never blamed you waste money on … well, anything.

On the other hand, you never banned your spouse from doing reasonable shopping. When they wanted or needed something, you’re always up for it.

Good for you!

However…

Something is wrong between the two of you. 

Financial ABUSE

 

Now, there is financial abuse, and there’s financial ABUSE. 

Before we go through all that it’s to come, I’d like to make this as clear as possible.

It might be confusing, and many people could even judge me over making a difference – abuse is abuse, no matter what.

However, if your spouse controls your money, doesn’t allow you to spend anything unless he approves it and you feel scared to raise the problem, it’s ABUSE, and the financial part is just a small aspect of it.

You need professional help, and you need to leave that person. And I’m not sorry to that you need to run as fast as possible from that person.

I’d like to separate the financial abuse on two levels.

Financial Abuse Level 1

 

Your partner is asking you to pay for yourself when you’re out and that happens almost all the time. He or she makes you feel like you owe them at least this and often hide that behind the fact that they don’t have money to pay for you two.

Also, financial abuse from level 1 is often making you pay for everything in the house too. If you both work but one of you pays for everything and the other spends his money on personal hobbies, it is a financial abuse too.

If you feel your partner has the opportunity to help you more financially in the house but doesn’t want to, you are a victim of that type of financial abuse. I’ve talked more about it in How to live with financially unstable husband.

This type of financial abuse is closely related to financial infidelity but both are fixable. Something we cannot say for Level 2

Financial abuse Level 2

 

  • Your spouse doesn’t allow you to work
  • Has full control over your salary if you work
  • Leaves you with no money
  • You don’t have any financial independence in your home
  • You don’t have access to money even for basic needs
  • Your partner uses your debit credit cards without permission
  • Every time you try to raise your voice about these problems your partner gets aggressive
  • All or some of these problems are combined with physical abuse as well

Needless to say – you have to run!

There is no chance of things getting better. You are dealing with an emotionally damaged person and it is not your job to fix them. Your partner manipulates and abuses you, and your place is as far away from them as possible.

With that said, assuming you are not one of these cases, let’s keep saving your marriage…

You notice one or few of the signs below:

No clarity in your money situation no matter how hard you try

 

It looks like you never know what’s going on with the money you and your spouse earn every month. 

The bills are paid, the rent/mortgage also. The grocery shopping is done. But somehow, you still feel that you don’t know where the money goes.

If you have joint accounts, it’s kind of easy to notice what’s going on.

But what if…

… your spouse has another account in another bank?

There are a few ways to find that out, but I’ll get to that in a second.

The fact is you don’t see how is possible to not be able to save money when both of you earn enough and your debts are not so big.

Well, that little feeling in your chests?

It’s a small sign of financial infidelity.

Your spouse might be hiding money from you, but don’t urge to go crazy over it. It could be lack of organisation and money budgeting. It’s fixable and there’s nothing to worry about. See how to fix this by learning family budgeting for couples.

However…

Unwillingness to talk about money that drives you insane

 

Your partner constantly avoids talking about your money savings, paying off debts and budget planning. He (or she) never have time for that type of conversation, no matter how much you try to create the time for it.

Your significant one doesn’t want to “think about money right now”, “doesn’t have time for such a talk” or just goes nervous and blames you for lack of trust (more about this later).

Did you recognise yourself in that situation? 

I’m sorry to be a pain, but you have a problem. 

Money problem.

And your spouse hides something. There is no excuse or explanation on that one. You are probably a victim of financial infidelity. Let’s see below if we could add more to that…

Hiding the bank statements from you or going through the mail every day before you get to it

 

Yep, there’s something your spouse doesn’t want to you to see – letter from the bank. A bank statement for a credit card or a bank account you don’t know it exists.

Or maybe there are no more bank statements arriving via mail?

Receiving a letter with a bank statement would push you to go through it. So if your spouse uses his account to hide money or pay extra debts through, they wouldn’t want you to see the bank statement. You might actually even forget checking the accounts.

However, nowadays many banks offer online statements and this could make things harder for you. 

No explanations when it comes to spendings – being rude is a sign of financial infidelity

 

Having a normal conversation with your spouse shouldn’t be something you cross your fingers to happen.

Money is a crucial part of every couple’s life and talking about money is more than alright. 

In fact, it’s necessary.

Why do people feel more comfortable to have sex with a stranger than to talk about money with their significant one?

 

Effective communication is when both of you spear the time and make the effort to come up with a plan, a strategy to pay off debts, to save money or to spend it.

So, to talk about how both of you spend money is as normal as to talk about the weather. It’s marriage, you are supposed to do it.

With that said, if your spouse suddenly doesn’t want to get involved in any money conversation and refuses to explain weird transactions, it’s a classic “money issues” sign.

Part of this sign of financial infidelity is the fact he or she blames you for not trusting them. 

Disclaimer: Please, be aware that to have a normal conversation is one thing and to sit down and ask him “Where did you spend this money?” is different. In the second case – you are acting like a parent and even the most lovable and honest spouse wouldn’t feel good about it.

Missing cash and often withdraws from the accounts are signs of financial abuse and financial infidelity

 

As I said, I’d like to talk more about the difference between financial infidelity and financial abuse. 

Financial abuse is when one of the partners uses financially the other in different ways.

Examples: This might include using only your money from the salary, while your partner’s money goes for things unrelated to the family spendings (hobbies, games, drinking problems). Also, you could find that money is missing – cash you left in the house for a specific thing, change you usually keep for small shopping, etc.

The most prominent sign – often asks you to pay for yourself when you’re out, asking you to pay for the petrol when he/she gives you a lift to work.

I’ve been in a relationship where I was financially used.

It’s very funny and sad, because I’ve got a Master Degree in Finances and worked in banks for almost ten years… and yet, I was used to paying for alcohol and cigarettes when we were struggling with buying food and paying bills.

But that’s another story. We live and we learn. So, please, learn from my experience and follow my advice.

In conclusion, the best way to find out if you are a victim of financial abuse is to ask yourself…

Does it feel fair?

Does it feel fair to pay for this?

Does it feel normal? 

If you have any doubts, that something’s not right, probably it isn’t.

Have questions regarding financial abuse or financial infidelity? Contact me and ask. I will help you find the right answer.

But what about the withdraws?

 

If your spouse often withdraws money from the bank account and doesn’t have a good explanation of where the money goes, it could be a sign of financial infidelity.

Especially if he/she gets irritated when you ask them (in a polite and respective way).

You start receiving gifts – a possible sign of guilt and financial infidelity

 

Well, if you suddenly start receiving gifts and flowers, there’s a possibility for your spouse to feel guilty about something. It is not a secret that showering someone with gifts all of a sudden is a hint that something’s wrong. 

Try to combine this sign with one or more of the others and you’ve got the right recipe for financial infidelity.

You’re being paranoid, why wouldn’t you trust me?

 

That’s one of their favourite questions when you ask for an explanation.

If everything is fine and there’s nothing to worry about, your partner will just explain you everything.

But if it’s not, they might get aggressive and even leave the room making you feel the worst person ever, that you asked such questions.

Whatever happens, if you feel that something’s wrong, if there’s missing cash, weird withdraws small transaction to a different account you know nothing about, don’t feel paranoid. If you feel lied and used, you have the right to make the situation as clear as possible.

Financial infidelity is serious.

He or she hid money?

That’s a huge red flag for poor relationship trust and communication. 

Also, it is a sign of manipulation. 

 

Do you feel lied or manipulated?

It’s not a nice feeling.

But, hold on…

You are both adults. And I believe that every problem between couples is fixable. Including financial infidelity or financial abuse.

However, you should both want to fix it.

Both of your efforts are crucial to the situation, but with mutual understanding and hard work, you can go through it.

Here’s how

What NOT to do when you find out you in a situation of financial infidelity or financial abuse?

 

First of all – don’t threat of leaving

That would be the perfect time for ultimatums and threats of leaving, isn’t it?

When, if not now, you can seriously consider leaving behind a person you don’t even know anymore?

Well, even if you think about leaving your spouse, don’t tell that.

Nobody likes to be pushed and threatened and every willingness for change will fly through the window when you mention ultimatums.

I firmly believe a serious conversation full of honesty and support could do wonders if both want it. Talk through everything and then give time.

Although you might feel stupid to wait for something so obvious – they have to change or else, do not forget it was their decision to leave the honesty out of your marriage. Therefore, it has to be their decision they will stick to that honesty again. Forcing them going into something they willingly left could make things worse.

Make it clear the trust is harmed but never bring the subject into every argument you have

 

By doing that you guarantee a significant amount of guilt and anger to grow between the two of you. Always talk about the current problem during a fight and don’t allow yourself to get lost in anger and blame.

Your partner might forgive the first few times but after that, it will build up another issue between the two of you.

What to do when you find out that your spouse hides money form you?

 

So, it’s a fact! 

Your spouse hides money from you and you are a victim of financial infidelity.

Read the next action steps to help you go through that rough situation in your marriage.

Stay calm – the advice everyone hates!

 

You think you are right to be angry?

Yes, you are!

But it won’t help you at all. 

In fact, going mad, shouting and blaming your spouse will make things so much worse. Allowing yourself to lose control of your nerves is a perfect recipe for ultimatums and divorce conversations.

And you don’t want that, do you?

Look for the blame in yourself – nope, you are not an angel either…

 

I am far away from telling you it’s your fault.

However, focusing on finding out why did you encourage this behaviour, will take your focus away long enough to calm yourself.

How is it possible to be your fault?

 

It’s easy

Have you ever fight over the small amount of money spend on your spouse’s hobby? 

Have you ever banned a shopping he/she really wanted/needed?

Do you like to overspend? Regularly?

Can you control your impulses for spending when you’re out or in the online shop?

Do you love to criticise your spouse’s shopping routine?

Have you noticed that “your way” of spending money is “always better”?

If you recognised yourself in on of the situations from above – yes, it’s your fault as well. 

You brought that to yourself. 

And while your spouse still had to try and find a fair solution, you shouldn’t put all the blame on him.

There are just a few situations in the married life when we can say it’s only one of the spouse’s fault. Usually, everyone has their share.

If it’s your fault, you might have to work more than your spouse on fixing the things!

Keep reading…

Find out the truth

 

However, the financial infidelity is a fact.

Or is it?

Are you sure what you think that happens is what actually happens?

Find out the truth. 

Talk.

Stick to being honest and respectful. But find out the truth. No blame, no anger. Only open communication.

See their point of view. You should never judge until you have all the facts (even after that if you want a healthy relationship). The situation might be completely different from their point of view. Give your significant one a chance to show you why they did it.

Take a decision

 

Together.

It has to stop.

Money has a huge impact on every family’s happiness. That is why you should decide on how to proceed from that moment on. 

Building the trust again will be hard, but if both of you want to do it, it will happen.

Confront, but be polite

 

Finding out that the love of your life hides money from you and you are an in a financial infidelity situation, could overwhelming. 

However, be polite.

This is still the person you share a bed with.

He/she is still your spouse.

And you owe them respect and politeness. No matter what!

Your partner might feel even worse than you

 

This is still the person you love, and they love you back.

Your partner probably feels worse than you about hiding money, acting weird, causing you pain and risking your marriage.

There’s a big chance they didn’t even realise that what happens is wrong.

Anyway…

Don’t compromise. Never!

 

Whatever the reasons, you’ve been mistreated.

Do not just put that behind you and move on.

Otherwise, it will happen again and you won’t even find out.

The financial abuse and stashing money away is not something you should compromise with. Be firm, find out the truth, ask for an explanation and take further decision.

Can you save your marriage?

 

Marriage is a fragile relationship.

Will you be able to forgive financial infidelity?

Can you move on after financial abuse?

Do you see it as just another step to the end of your marriage?

Is it just a childish behaviour that the other regrets about?

If you feel betrayed and unable to forgive, then consider marriage counselling. Give both of you the opportunity to work on the problem.

Create a plan

 

After you go through the first two phases of finding out you’ve been lied and taking the decision to move on and try to save your marriage, it’s time for planning.

Here’s how to do it:

Analyse the situation

 

The most often case is when one of the partners has a credit card or loan that keeps in secret from their spouse. It’s usually used to cover expenses on hobbies.

If that’s you – consider yourself lucky. There are cases where the spouse is saving for divorce…

But, if you have to deal with debts…

Create a plan on how to pay them off. I’ve got a detailed guide on how to pay off your debts and finally achieve the financial freedom you aim for. 

Also, you can download for free my family budgeting guide to help you start paying off the debts together and being more present with your spending. You can download it from here or by clicking the link at the end of the article.

Be accountable to each other

 

Gaining back the trust is going to take a while.

It is OK if you don’t feel like trusting your spouse immediately.

Financial infidelity is hard to forgive. Financial abuse is even harder.

Schedule weekly meetings to go over the bank statements and weekly spending together. Put as much effort into this as your spouse. It might be their fault, but feeling your support will help them stay on track and be money wise.

Make them feel fully involved in everything that happens. Be sure both of you agree on each decision before you proceed to the action steps.

Find your goal

 

Finding out why you want to do this will be your stimulus to go further. 

Your goal could be to build the trust back. Financial infidelity ruins the trust between the spouses so building it back is the more important thing. That is why setting up a goal like that will keep you involved in the process.

If your partner went into lots of debts, your goal could be to pay them off and be debt free. Even getting better just step by step and debt by debt will be something that will bring the trust back between the two of you.

What if nothing works and you feel the dishonesty is or will continue?

 

Let’s face it!

Life is not a fairytale.

Just because you want to fix the things it doesn’t mean it will happen.

You still don’t trust your partner after months of “working it out”.

Your partner acts weird again, and you are not sure if the nightmare won’t start all over again.

Financial infidelity and financial abuse are grounds for divorce, and there’s nothing wrong in telling the truth.

No one can blame you for not giving a chance on a relationship you honestly don’t want to maintain anymore.

Once you take the decision it’s over

 

Prepare yourself.

There’s a great book by Valerie Rind who was a victim of financial infidelity. Her husband hid a huge financial secret from her for a decade, and she doesn’t overthink either to stay or to leave. Her hard, but honest emotions and experience could give you the strength you need in a moment like this.

In the same book, you will find out how to prepare yourself – legally and emotionally, to separate from your spouse.

Try stashing money for yourself

 

I know it sounds like you have to cheat because they cheated on you, but it’s the best thing you could do for yourself.

Because, once you decide to leave this marriage behind, you have to start thinking exclusively of yourself.

Life requires money, and you have the full right to prepare financially for leaving this relationship. It is necessary if you are a victim of financial abuse as well.

It is your time to open a bank account in a different bank and put aside some money.

Consult with a lawyer

 

Leaving a relationship and leaving a marriage are different things. When ending a relationship after financial infidelity or financial abuse, it’s a matter of packing your clothes (said simple).

However, a divorce is a whole new chapter in life, and you need all the support – emotional and legal, you could get. Never trust you and your partner will find a solution together. Talk to a lawyer and be aware of every single option you’ve got.

There are more options, but if you got to this point, I strongly recommend Valerie’s book to walk you through the process.

Conclusion

 

No matter if you are dealing with financial infidelity or you are a victim of financial abuse – change is required.

And it has to happen now.

You deserve to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with your spouse. Moreover, you’ve got the right to demand this to happen… in a calm manner, of course.

Be brave that no matter what, it is you and your life and wellbeing that should matter the most to you. Unwillingness to change and improve the situation could bring you low self-esteem, total lack of trust in your partner and general unhappiness.

But it is you who should stop all this from happening.

Financial infidelity in its core is lack of effective communication. As I said, everything is fixable as long as both of you work on it, support each other and walk side by side towards mutual happiness.

If you got so far in this article – Thank you! I hope it helps you and directs you into a better future where financial infidelity or financial abuse are just another battle with the life you won. Please, consider subscribing to our blog as there’s more to come. Stay happy!

Loading...

Most Common Reasons for Divorce According to the Studies

Is there a pattern that the divorcing couples follow?

You’ve got your own vision for the most common reasons for divorce, I know. But what does the science say about divorce and is it applicable to you and your ending marriage?

This article is based on a study case by Paul R. Amato and Denise Previti – People’s Reasons for Divorcing, 2003. The study is based on finding the most common reasons for divorce according to the gender, social class, the life course and the adjustment. For the article, I will summarise the facts from the study and will give you shortest version of it.

Please be aware that the conclusions in this article are based on a single study. That means that just like any other study, not everything applies to everyone. There are always exceptions that more or less prove the rules. However, the conclusions in the text are mine.

Men and Women – Who Sees What and When

It is not a very big surprise that women usually pay more attention to the problems in the relationship, they spot them earlier and are more willing to work on communication. At the same time though, women initiate divorce more often than men.

divorce-reasons-infidelity-incompatibility-separation-2

Photo by Asdrubal luna on Unsplash

As most common reasons for divorce women report infidelity as the top reason, which doesn’t mean that men cheat more often. It says that either they’re more likely to be caught or it’s harder for women to forgive a cheating spouse.

Ladies are more emotional, so it sounds normal when we say that women’s reasons for divorce come from the sensitive part of the marriage – betrayal (when been cheated on), lack of love, unhappiness, incompatibility. Of course, we should mention the negative behaviour of the partner – drinking, physical or mental abuse, using drugs, etc.

Related post: 7 BIGGEST MARRIAGE MISTAKES WOMEN DO

When we jump to the gents’ world, we can see some surprising facts.

For example, men are usually the once that report they’re not sure why their marriage ended. At this point I ask myself the question:

Loading...

If wives are so eager to recognise and work on the problems how come the husbands end up not knowing why everything failed?

In favour of the men is the conclusion that they are more likely to blame themselves for the divorce (10%) while the ladies don’t accept blame so easy (1.5%).

Loading...

Following the statement above, 40% of the women blame the men for the end of the marriage, and 21% of the men blame the women.

Suggested post: MARRIAGE COUNSELLING – COULD IT SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE?

To conclude and sum up everything:

 

– women are fast in spotting the problems in the marriage at a very early stage;

– most of the time women’s most common reasons for divorce are connected to emotional unhappiness, incompatibility, betrayal, disrespect, lack of showing love;

– Women blame men for the end twice more than the men blame women;

– Men are more likely to have no idea why they got to the divorce stage;

– However, after the divorce men are the once that accept easier their fault for the end, not the women.

Your income and education affect your chances for divorce

We know that money is a very common reason for divorce, but it’s much more complicated than you think.

A good education and higher income benefit the marriage, and we don’t need any study to tell us that. The reason behind this is that a better education improves the communication skills hence the communication between the partners is efficient.

High education includes more analytical abilities which help couples to resolve their problems easier. It’s straightforward – higher education ergo more ways to solve one problem.

At the same time, the everyday stress coming from lower income (which usually follows after lower education) is an often reason for conflicts and increases disagreements. So, we can say that money is one of the most common reasons for divorce because the lack of finances simply stresses us too much to enjoy the married life. After all, a successful marriage occurs when both of the partners work together towards better future. Incompatibility in the financial values is an obvious struggle to live with.

Related post: HOW TO LIVE WITH FINANCIALLY UNSTABLE HUSBAND

Rich’s and poor’s most common reasons for divorce

It’s so uncool to separate the reasons for divorce like that, but the above study points few interesting points about the most common reasons for divorce among the people with higher or lower education and income.

The couples with higher income and education usually point out more relationship connected reasons for divorce:

– Lack of communication;

– Changes in interests;

– Changes in values;

– Incompatibility;

– Grew apart;

– Personality issues.

At the same time most of the external reasons for divorce come from divorced couples with lower income and education:

– Physical abuse;

– Going out with boys/girls;

– Gambling;

– Criminal activities;

– Financial problems;

– Employment problems.

Something that’s not in favour of the people with higher income and better education is that they are more likely to think of divorce when problems occur.

Can we say that smart people give up easier? I’m not so sure about that.

Percentage list of the most common reasons for divorce

Let’s list the most common reasons for divorce according to that study.

Infidelity – 21.6%

Even if we check other scientists’ studies, we will see that usually infidelity is on the top of every list.

Cheating on spouses is like a secret act that everyone is against, but somehow it happens all the time. 

The feel of betrayal after been cheated on is hard to live with. The reasons for the cheat are always different but never good enough. That makes infidelity the most painful one among the most common reasons for divorce.

Incompatibility – 19.2%

I guess it’s very easy to mistake the passion in a relationship with compatibility, even though it sounds impossible. However, finding out that you and your partner are not as compatible as you thought at the beginning says exactly that. All of the emotions, the passion, the big sparkles and dreams of future together very often push away the logical thinking and the obvious hardships.

Compatibility is not only about mutual feelings, but about sharing the same plans for the future, similar financial culture, quality conflict resolutions,  sexual compatibility, strong connection and much more.

Drinking or drugs – 10.6%

Dealing with a partner with alcohol or drug problems is very hard as the threat of financial, physical or mental abuse is always there, in the corner, waiting for an opportunity. 

Using substances to cover, hide, forget a problem is very often a reason for divorce. When one of the partners start falling and doesn’t accept help, doesn’t admit the problem and doesn’t want to make an effort to change, the divorce is the most reasonable decision. Moreover, when there are children involved it’s “the sooner, the better”.

Suggested post: DIVORCED PARENTS VS. CHILDREN – CAN YOU RAISE HAPPY KIDS IF YOU’RE DIVORCED?

Growing apart – 9.6%

That is one of the most common reasons for divorce among couples that got into the marriage at a young age. Barely finished the high school/college and jumping into the responsibilities of the household, finding the suitable career path, getting to know yourself as an adult and the other as such, is very difficult.

And I am far away from saying that it doesn’t work as I know many people that made it work. However, many times takes years before each one of the personalities in the marriage fully understands their needs in life. Sometimes that doesn’t end well for the marriage.

Suggested post: 3 ACTION STEPS TO TAKE WHEN YOUR HUSBAND IGNORES YOU

Personality problems – 9.1%

I guess when it comes to personality problems part of it is the “growing apart” section. However, personality problems might indicate for selfishness in the relationship, change of the behaviour, lack of help and lack of support. 

Lack of communication – 8.7%

I always point out the communication as a key to successful marriage.

Maybe half of the problems above wouldn’t occur if there is proper communication between the partners in a marriage. 

The lack of communication is the first step to resolving problems. Less communication means less support between the partners, which is painful as the support of the spouse is always crucial. No communication says “I am closing my mouth and eyes, I refuse to see, to recognise, identify and think about the aspects of a successful marriage.”. No communication means no relationship ergo no marriage.

Physical or mental abuse – 4.3%

There’s no need for explanation why when there’s an abuse marriage cannot exist. Recognising the early stages of abuse comes with noticing the lack of respect and spotting the manipulation tactics that always come with the abuse.

Related post: 7 SIGNS OF MANIPULATION IN A RELATIONSHIP

Loss of love – 4.3%

Sometimes love just doesn’t exist anymore. Well, either it was love or something else, is a matter of another discussion, but the point is that when there’s no love, there’s no marriage. It’s always a good decision for both of the partners to try to find someone to share the real love with.

Suggested post: WHY LOVE HURTS? A DIFFERENT APPROACH TO AN OLD PROBLEM

Not meeting family obligations – 3.4%

You got married, then one day woke up and realised family is not the game you or your partner want to play in life. Unfortunately, it happens quite often.

Marriage is not only lovely family photos on Christmas Eve, but it’s financial obligation, household duties, dirty dishes and screaming kids.

Is it hard? You can bet it is.

Is it for everyone? I am sure it’s not!

Many people are just not good at being married! There’s no better way to say it!

Some of them decide to fight these feelings and hope they’ll go away like a flue. They try to help, try to fit into the picture. There’s always a chance the miracle to happen.

Others just order the divorce papers because the hustle is too much and they can’t be bothered.

Employment problems – 3.4%

Employment problems are very often the lack of permanent job which would provide financial stability for the family. Dealing with a spouse that’s never happy with the choice of career is a pain. 

However, very often the “love for the work” is the reason for families to separate. 89 hours of work weekly could bring financial stability, but it definitely wouldn’t replace the warmth of the other’s body in the bed or the family dinners with the children.

Don’t know – 3.4%

As I said earlier, sometimes people just don’t know where the problem came from. Divorce happens for many reasons, and very often the cause is more than a few factors. 

Unhappy in marriage – 2.9%

Being unhappy in the marriage is a very good reason to divorce. But I guess somehow each one of the reasons above and bellow are causing unhappiness. However, maybe here the study shows that sometimes everything may be normal, but the people are just not happy with themselves and that affects their marriage.

Other reasons for divorce

As the participants in the study usually point out more than just one reason for divorce, there are few more reasons, but I wouldn’t put them into the “most common reasons for divorce” category. 

Conclusion

It was exciting to explore the scientistic part of the marriage. I cannot be convinced that one study could give us a pattern of the divorce. We live in a world that changes us so fast. 

However, for years and years, some of the most common reasons for divorce stay the same. 

Maybe there’s something crucial that the psychologists cannot identify yet. 

Maybe we cannot be changed. 

Maybe we don’t want to change.

Love and marriage are still considered a blessing, but are they as sacred for our spouse as it is for us? Is it the other’s fault or we’ve been blind for ages and finally see the truth?

Every case is individual, and its differences are probably the ones that give us the secrets behind the statistic.

My question is – does someone pays attention to those differences? 

If you enjoyed this post, don’t forget to subscribe to our blog so we can give you more useful information about love and marriage. 

Loading...

3 Action Steps to Take When Your Husband Ignores You

Action plan 101 when your husband ignores you

 

Your situation: 

  • Your spouse intentionally ignores you; you know that.

 

  • He works too much, hides behind his meetings and friends, or claims he needs time to relax and kills the next four hours in front of the computer or TV.

 

  • On top of that, when you ask him why he ignores you, he doesn’t even want to admit the situation.

 

  • As a result, you get angrier and angrier, start thinking of ultimatums and huge arguments where you explain to him exactly how much he doesn’t appreciate you and doesn’t love you.

 

  • After you create your action plan, you attack. You start the conversation in a calm pace, but very fast realise that you just want to shake your spouse very hard and make him see what you see – you love him and want to spend time with him.

 

But he still ignores you!

Am I right? Does all that “my husband ignores me” situation sounds familiar?

Well, high five, you’re in the right place then!

Loading...

In this article, I will explain to you not only Why this happens but What To Do when your husband ignores you, TODAY!

The simple truth behind why your husband ignores you.

couple-marriage-problem-husband-ignoresI will say it straight away as I know how much you aim to understand the real reason:

He ignores you because he feels You ignore Him!

Loading...

No, I’m not joking, and I will prove why you ignore Him, while you run after him every day asking for a piece of his attention.

The magic is hiding in those exact words: “you ask him to give you his attention”.

Related post: HOW TO STAY MARRIED AND BE HAPPY

Your man, his love language and why he ignores you

Have you heard of The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman? It’s one of the most helpful books, that tells how to find out why you feel unloved even if he loves you and vice versa. It will teach you how to make your partner feel your love in a way he will understand it. And this will make it clearer to you why your husband ignores you.

So, following that, let’s admit men love to feel appreciated. And believe me, your man is not an exception. He likes to be appreciated more than you do. And then is admiration.

I really like Alan Parker’s idea of men’s love languages. He says that one of the most important love languages for men is admiration. He says “This indicates respect for who we are and what we have accomplished. “. Well, this is right on the spot, and half of the things you need to know how to love a man.

Pin for later:

Our sacrifices and our love for the man in our life

Us, women, tend to get self-consumed into our own “sacrifices” we do every day.

And because there was a time when your man was showing appreciation, but then he stopped, you decided to do the same. Or was it you who stopped pointing out his achievements and then he stopped doing the same for you?

One of you was the first, but it does NOT matter who.

The simple truth is that he doesn’t feel appreciated. He doesn’t sense your admiration of him, and he feels ignored because of all that.

Now, don’t misunderstand me. Just because he feels that way, it doesn’t mean you actually don’t appreciate him or admire him. He just doesn’t see it!

It’s not like you woke up one day and decided to keep it quiet when he does something nice. When we are in a long-term relationship, such as marriage, we forgot these things. But don’t worry, everything is fixable, including the fact that your husband ignores you.

Related post: 7 OF THE BIGGEST MARRIAGE MISTAKES WOMEN DO

Thus, you have to show it, especially when your husband ignores you.

I can hear you right now:

“Wait a minute, He is the one that ignores me and acts irrationally. Why should I change the behaviour, HE has to change, NOT ME!”

Dear loving wife, you know you cannot change anyone. But you can change yourself and show him the way. He will choose for himself either to take it or not.

If you two love each other, and this is just a short moment of your relationship, there’s nothing to worry about. What I will tell you to do will fix your situation almost instantly.

When your husband ignores you always try to talk first

And by “talk” I certainly mean both of you to talk, not just one of you. Open communication and honesty is the base of a healthy marriage. They come along with understanding and effort to fix the problems. Remember, you shouldn’t fight one against the other – you are on the same team.

But let’s assume “a talk” didn’t work and he still acts like you’re not around. What to do next then?

Is there a secret way to fix the things if you’re the only one that seeks a solution?

Yes, there is!

Action plan on “my husband ignores me.”

Step 1 and 2 of what to do when your husband ignores you

Please, do at least two of the following steps if your husband ignores you.

From your husband’s point, you look self-centred. You know you are not, and you just want some nice quality time together, but this is not what he sees.

He sees you coming at him with a grumpy and offended face telling him he has to love you. He has to leave whatever he’s doing and starts immediately acting happy around you, asking you how to brighten your day.

The first step to getting your husband attention back to you is to act the exact opposite way.

Forget about demanding his attention. You don’t owe him yours; you chose to give it to him. Expect and thrive for the same.

Knowing that the next step is to find a way to attract him back to you but focusing on him. Sounds too complicated? Here are few examples how to do it.

Remember the “appreciation” part?

Implement it immediately and stick with it not only when your husband ignores you, but after that as well. Chose something he does for you every day or every month, no matter what and point it out.

If he works a lot, for example, tell him you’re grateful he gives his personal time away to take care of his family.

Men see themselves as a leading part of the family. Yes, he consults with you, and both of you take the decisions, but this doesn’t change the way he feels about it. He considers that the primary responsibility for the family’s well-being is his. Well, that’s simply because of hundreds of thousands years evolution. It’s just how the things are.

So when you point out the fact, your family’s well-being is as it is because of his constant work on it, that makes him happy. He feels appreciated. Therefore, he looks at you and he thinks “Wow, she sees that?!” He cannot ignore you in a moment when you appreciate him!

You win him back!

Related post: YOUR MAN IS A HERO! APPRECIATE HIM

Admiration

He does something better than you? He fixes things, he’s probably more patient than you, or more organised, whatever it is that you admire him – tell him.

When your husband ignores you, it will be until the moment you show admiration for something he does. Remember, what you do is important to you, and it’s the same for him.

When a man feels appreciated and admired, he’s ready to do even more and more. You words will open his eyes in ways, your grumpy/angry/offended/ demanding arguing will never do. He will not be able to ignore you at that moment.

If you want a positive response, you have to offer positivity first.

I know, the last thing you want to do right now is to admire and appreciate him, but please, do that first step and see what happens.

Go to him with Love. Show Love. That’s the point of family, isn’t it?

I’ve got a full post about how a man could win the heart of a woman, but it’s the same for the other side as well. To receive the love you have to give it first.

Related post: MONDAY MOTIVATION – CAN YOU FIND THE LOVE? MY SECRET – THE LAW OF ATTRACTION AND LOVE

Tell him you’re happy with him.

Use one or more of those amazing 50 romantic messages for your husband as an inspiration. Or even better – go through the challenge and send him one message every day for the next 50 days. I bet he won’t ignore you after the third one.

I’ve always believed that the only secret to success is to never, ever give up on the things you know are the best for you. Never give up on your partner’s love. Never stop appreciating him. Never stop admiring him. Never ignore your spouse.

Related post: 14 DAYS/MORNINGS TO A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP – CHALLENGE FOR ANY COUPLE

Offer something he wanted, but you said “no.”

Your husband might be acting like that and ignores you because of something he wanted, but you said “no”. Even if you had your reasons to disagree, think about his reasons to have it. Maybe it’s something important for him, or he just needs to relax his mind with it. The result is – he acts offended because you ignored his needs.

In situations like that I like to remind myself the next quote:

“Which one do you prefer – to be right or to be happy?”

Step 3 of what to do when your husband ignores you

Give him a choice

A man will give or do anything you ask him to do, as long as he has the option not to do it.

After you went through at least two of the previous steps, and see your man responds to them, it’s time for the third one. He won’t be able to ignore you.

Tell your spouse you would love to spend some quality time together (to go for a walk, dinner out, or watch a movie) but only if this wouldn’t ruin his plans for the day/the evening.

In this way, you give him a choice not to do what you say, which may be something new to him. If you usually don’t give him much choice or space, change it today!

When your man sees he has a choice, he will appreciate it and probably will want to encourage you to do it every time, so the chances are to say “yes”. The last thing he’ll do is to ignore it.

If anyway, he said “no” to your proposal, don’t go mad over it. You gave him a choice, remember?

Respect his decision and make plans for yourself.

Use that time to do something positive that will make you happy – read a book, go on a manicure, hairdresser, go out with girlfriends.

Don’t stay at home to watch him do whatever makes him happy. Make yourself happy too. Come back joyful, kiss him and I promise you, he will want to be part of your happiness as well.

The secret here is that you want to go out, and have fun, but it’s clear you don’t necessarily need him for it. You just invite him to be part of it. If he ignores it, it means he won’t be part of the fun. But there will be fun! Don’t leave your happiness to be his choice. The result? Ignoring you will not affect your satisfaction of life, so he will stop doing it.

Different option

Men love adrenalin and challenges. Think of some activity you know he’ll fall for, and tell him you’re in a mood for it. Either it’s going to be carting, paintball, hiking, as long as it’s physical and challenging it’s perfect. Men can never ignore a challenge with a potential adrenalin doze in it.

Don’t forget to give him a choice, of course. If he refuses, arrange the same activity with friends. When you go back home happy and excited, show him photos, kiss him and tell him he would have loved it. How long do you think he’ll ignore that? No chance to miss it next time.

What if none of this works and he still ignores you?

Ok, so you told him you love him, you were honest when sharing why you appreciate him, and definitely told the truth about what you admire the most about him.

But nothing worked.

He’s still distant, still doesn’t want to spend time with you, and still doesn’t want to talk about it.

Stick with the action plan for a while.

Don’t give up at least for a few weeks. Be consistent that you won’t give up on your partner’s love. Give him the attention he denies you.

When your husband ignores you for a long period of time and nothing changes, talk about it. Share your worries, remind him the reasons you’re together, repeat the goals, ask if he needs help with something. Stay calm.

Related post: HOW TO FIGHT FAIR IN A RELATIONSHIP?

If you live like that for months or even years, I’m afraid the problem is serious, and you’ve got two options: solve the problem by yourself or go for couple’s therapy. I would say couple’s therapy should be your first option, but no one knows the situation better than you. However, when your husband starts ignoring you, don’t just leave the things like that. Work on fixing your connection.

If you liked my suggestions and Action plan on what to do when your husband ignores you, don’t forget to subscribe to our blog so you can be notified when an amazing new love secret is out. Ah, almost forgot – follow us on the social media as well. Stay married!

Financially Unstable Husband – Help Him to Help Yourself

What to do when your financially unstable husband doesn’t care about paying bills and debts or saving money?

Living with financially unstable husband can be overwhelming, stressful and depressing. The situation leaves you – the wife, to think about bills, rent or mortgage, the education of the children, the grocery shopping and paying off debts you both took.

 

I am far away from the idea that the man has to earn all the money in the household and to provide finances for absolutely everything. However, marriage is a partnership and just like in it every partner has to chip n with his/her share.

 

That share could be money, but it is as well housework, looking after the kids, communicating, showing love and respect and at least another 100 things more.

 

So no, marriage is not about money, but money is essential for our healthy existence. Therefore living with financially unstable husband may be a challenge, not every woman would enjoy.

 

Check: MASTER FAMILY BUDGETING AT HOME

 

Loading...

How does a financially unstable husband look like?

 

Financial stability has many definitions nowadays, and it varies from having a successful career that pays off well to managing a business that allows you to live your days in peace. With one word – it’s quite obvious when you’re financially stable.

Loading...

 

financially_unstable_husband-life

On the other hand financial instability has many more hidden signs than unhidden. That is only one of the reasons why you could end up in a marriage with a financially unstable husband.

 

  • He doesn’t like to chip in when the monthly bills come – or gives less money than he should
  • He doesn’t work and is in constant search for a job that would match his qualifications and expectations. As a result, he never likes nor accepts any job offer that doesn’t cover all of his criteria.
  • He works, but it’s low paid job and refuses to look for something better.
  • Has many debts and he promises to pay them off, but somehow you listen to the same old-same old all since you met him
  • Never manage to save anything even if his income allows him to.
  • He never knows where his money went
  • He has a good income but spends it on unnecessary things and forgets about the important household payments.
  • Often asks for money and get offended if you ask him why he doesn’t try to get better at managing his finances.
  • The financially unstable husband just doesn’t care about saving money or making an effort to help with the family spending.

Financially unstable husband is not only the one that doesn’t work or doesn’t earn enough money.

 

It’s mostly the husband that doesn’t care about improving the situation. Every family could struggle with the money at some point in the marriage.

 

No one is secured that his job will always be there, paying off debts and bills. But it is the way he manages himself in these moments.

 

It’s about the constant pattern of denial to take responsibility for providing an income that will make everyone’s life easier and happier.

 


 

How to act if your husband’s been financially unstable for the last few years?

 

I feel your pain, and I would like to give you few pieces of advice on how to make an action plan for improving your financial situation without ruin your marriage.

 

Check: HOW TO KNOW IF YOUR MARRIAGE IS OVER

 

The first and most important rule

 

financially unstable husband

Help your financially unstable husband so he can help you…

You still need him. You cannot improve your household without the help of your husband. To be alone against the banks, the schools, the electricity, the gas and insurance companies is rude and disrespectful to him. Unless your income allows you to look after the family without struggling and causing you stress – no other reason ‘s acceptable for your husband not to be part of it.

 

So yes, you need him in the equation. But no matter how angry and offended you feel – snapping at him will not help you get where you want to.

 

So the first and most important thing is to consider how to talk to him.

 

Communication is the first action

 

Ask him when he wants you to sit and have a conversation on that subject. Don’t do it in front of the TV. Don’t do it over glasses of alcohol. Make sure you have time for a long chat as it may take a while.

 

Be calm

 

I am coming back to that as it’s very often mistaken to get too angry at him and the moment that happens – the chances for him to understand you are going low.

 

No threats

 

Nobody likes to be threatened to do something. A successful communication includes explanation and lot’s of “why”.

 

  • Why you need him to be more focused on the money situation?
  • Why can you not be responsible for all household?
  • Why he has to reconsider his job situation and money managing?

 

It’s all about showing your side of the story and helping him see that the marriage is about making the efforts for both of you to be happy. Threats don’t have a place in successful marriage.

 

Help him making a plan

 

financially unstable husband solutionsOffer your support in making a plan how to manage better his money. Work with numbers and set up a goal that could be achieved in the nearest future. Suggest a reward for both of you if you succeed in working together toward the goal.

 

Motivate him

 

Bringing financially unstable husband back to stability need work. Motivation is part of the process all the time. The support he needs at the beginning is essential and keeping up with the plan will be your work as much as it’s his.

 

Check: HOW TO STAY MARRIED AND BE HAPPY

 

Be strong and don’t back off

 

If you believe it will work for the first time – there’s a bomb for you – IT WILL NOT. Changing a bad habit with a good one is hard. It takes strong will and belief in one’s ability to succeed.

 

There will be times when your partner will want to go back to the same old way of living. It’s your job to show him you remember his promises and you will not back off till he keeps them.

 

What If It Doesn’t Work

 

  • What if none of the techniques worked?

 

  • What if you did your best to explain and he didn’t listen?

 

  • What if you kept reminding, motivated and encouraged, and still nothing happened?

 

  • What if for years there’s no improvement and there’s no hope for it anymore?

 

  • What if you keep hearing promises you know they won’t be held?

 

  • What if you started failing yourself and doubting in your own mental health?

 

  • What if it bothers your sleep and you feel like life just ends every morning you have to open your eyes and go to the daily battle?

 

What is the next step? Does that mean you have to reconsider your marriage?

 

If your financial situation allows it, I would strongly recommend marriage counselling. It would definitely help both of you to see your parts in this marriage. It could bring the best and worst out, but you need it.

 

Check: 7 TOP REASONS FOR DIVORCE

 

Imagine your life

 

Let me be as honest as possible. Financially unstable husband is a partner that may never change. With every year that passes the capability of the person to change gets lower and lower. So the chances are he will never be as responsible as you need him to be.

 

There will be a moment when you have to decide for yourself if the love between the of you is real.

 

financially unstable husband debtsEven if you claim you love him would you live the same way as you did today for the next 40 years or even more?

 

And if you claim you love him – why do you love someone else more than you love yourself? Is it a healthy love? A healthy partnership? A healthy relationship?

 

If he really loved you would he treat you like the way he does? Is it love to kiss you and hold you tight at night and to send you dealing with the problems on your own?

 

If you have children – is it that the example of family you would like them to grow up looking at? Would you approve your daughter to have your role in her marriage one day?

 

Would you sacrifice you inner peace, your health, mental stability and life-happiness for someone that’s too selfish to try a change?

 

Divorce is the last thing I would recommend to a family. But it’s the necessary choice when it comes to all I said above – inner peace, health, mental stability, life-happiness and the example you want to give to your children.

Check: DIVORCED PARENTS VS. CHILDREN

DIVORCED PARENTS VS. CHILDREN

How to produce happy children from divorced parents

“Divorced parents” is one of the most devastating stamps your children could have during their childhood. And I share that as a divorced parents’ child. The most important and amazing people in the little humans’ world don’t love or even like each other anymore. Now that’s serious!

 

“It is not attention that the child is seeking, but love” Sigmund Freud

 

I had “the luck” not to know what life with two parents looks like, as mine got separated when I was one year old and got divorced when I was three years old. But my very first memory of my childhood is how my father comes to my grandmother’s house to pick me up, with all of my belongings, and takes me away to live with him from that day on. My mother was crying, and she was covering her face with her hands. My father hugged her, and I was just wondering in a very childish way what is going on.

 

Just a few moments after that the red car drove away from my sister and my mother, and my life as a divorced parents’ child began. That was 27 years ago.

 

It’s hard! No matter the age it’s hard to live a life with one parent. You will either miss your mother’s hug, smell or voice, or your father’s support and feel of safety.

 

Loading...

But I cannot blame anyone for what happened. If two people decide that they’re no longer happy together, I fully stand behind the idea not to be together anymore. With or without children.

 

divorced_parents-marriage_problems

Happy kids of divorced parents exist! I may not be one of them, but I guess if I cannot be a good example, I could be a bad one…?

 

Check: HOW TO KNOW IF YOUR MARRIAGE IS OVER?

Tell the truth

 

Even today I am not sure about the real reasons for my parents’ divorce. Someone had enough… of what? Someone didn’t like.. what?

 

Children have to know what was the reason for the divorce. It’s going to pass years and years before they fully understand the situations and agree that divorce was a “good idea”. But they’ll get there, believe me! Anyhow, they deserve to know the reason you and your partner are not together anymore. Even if they’re too small to understand what’s going on, they have to be prepped and informed that their mommy and daddy are not going to live together anymore.

 

Keep it as simple as possible and don’t go too detailed if the children are smaller. But be well prepared with information if they’re older, in the teenage years for example. Children these days are more able to coop with information than we want them to. They’re smart and connects the dots quickly, so be sure they’ve got the dots they need for the right conclusion.

 

Misunderstanding of the reality will pull them away from both of you. They may feel lied, left outside of your world, not trustable or even guilty for the situation.

 

Check: MARRIAGE COUNSELLING – COULD IT SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE?

Take away the feeling of blame

 

divorced_parents-marriage_problems-marriage

Every child will have at some point the sense of guilt that his parents don’t get along because of him. Your primary task during the fights with your ex-partner is to prove to your child that this is not the case. It’s easy to get to the point where you two are fighting for one subject, and that leads to another subject. Including problems with the kids and the decisions for their life. But children shouldn’t know about any fight that’s caused because of something that concerns them.

 

It is very common for the kids to blame themselves for their parents’ divorce. But once they’re sure that “everything is because of them” the way out of the situation” is very hard. They may close themselves, develop depression or anxiety, or start looking for drugs, alcohol…

 

Ask for help!

There’s nothing wrong to ask for help when it’s about your children. Like every parent, your concerns are more how they will coop with the situation. Children’s psyche is fragile, and the worst part is that the scars we get in our childhood are the ones that chase us all of our life. Unfortunately, you know you cannot protect your children from everything in this world. However, if you could make the things at least more manageable and comfortable – why not?!

If you need more help I would strongly recommend you to have a look at Dr Stephen Mayville’s parenting class: Click Here! It has the answer to every single question that may occur during the hard divorcing process and after that. If there’s a moment in your life when you should choose less risk and to play it safe it’s that moment. Insecurities will affect your children even if you try to hide it so check out Dr Mayville’s website for more help.

 

Keep them informed

 

I was seeing my mother only once a year, for few weeks at the summer. We lived too far away from each other to be different, so the plan was simple.

 

But if your case is not the same than you have specific hours, days or weeks to look after your children. Let them know what the plans are. Tell them days or even weeks before everything happens. In the beginning will be extremely weird and uncomfortable for the children to get used to the idea “me, mommy and daddy time” is gone. So they have to know where the other parent stands and what the plans are.

 

Be respectful to your ex

 

I love my father. He has a tough personality, he’s stubborn and doesn’t like to talk but he loves me to bits, and I love him too. The situation was not that easy though when I was visiting my mother every summer. She would spend hours every day spitting poison towards him. And it’s not easy to admit it, but on some points, she had the right to do so. But not in front of my sister and me.

 

Dear ex-married couple,

 

You used to be together. You used to love each other so much that you decided to get married. You created a miracle together – your children. Please, appreciate the choices you made and don’t cross the line of the hate. Or even if you do hate the other so much that you cannot stand to be in the same room (or city) with him, do not make a mistake to talk over and over again against him in front of the children. That pulls them away from the significant another half of their world. And unless that other half has a dangerous behaviour or life-threatening habits there is no reason for the children not to love or respect him/her.

 

Check: TOP 7 REASONS FOR DIVORCE

 


 

Be patience

 

You don’t expect your children to go through the situation with the same speed as you did, do you?

 

Every day may be different, and they could go through the same process over and over again. They will have questions – be patience and answer as many as you can. They will have feelings you wish they don’t – be patient and don’t make them feel guilty about it. They will have anger, frustration and sadness – be patience and support them through any of those.

 

And develop patience for yourself as well. I know, you have so many things to take care of, to think about, to do… But your primary goal is to keep your children safe and spare them as much pain as possible.

 

Be careful

 

divorced_parents-children-marriage

Be careful with signs that the things go over the edge. Everything may look more than perfect on the outside. You may even wonder how good your children coop with the divorce. You may be too into your own grief and not notice what happens under the surface.

 

Be alert if the children’s behaviour change at school, if they start bringing bad grades or show too much anger here and there.  Some children could develop eating disorders or reach out to drugs or alcohol. Listen and be aware of any change that happens in your children’s mind.

 

Keep the kids together if possible

 

The first time I spend more than two weeks with my sister was when I finished high school and moved in with my mother. We managed to fill part of the wholes we had as siblings but many of them we will never fill. We will never share sibling’s moments, and that makes us sad.

 

If it’s possible to keep the children together – do it. They are not just another thing you have to share 50/50 with your ex. Or even if it’s a must (that was the case with my parents), give them as much time together as you can. The bond between siblings is not only very powerful but essential too. They will be able to support each other all of their life, and they’re the only people that could fully understand what is it to be a divorced parents’ child.

 

Step-families

 

I could write a book on that subject. The number of step-brothers and sisters moving in and out of my room as a child is a number I try to forget.

 

step_family-marriage_problemsStay focus on how your children are processing the new situation – living only with you. I completely agree that you deserve to be happy with someone else again. You should give yourself a chance to find someone that you could call a partner again. Someone to help you in difficult moments, share the smiles or just to ask how you are. I even encourage you to look for someone.

 

Nothing can convince me that if you’re divorced and are looking after your kids on your own, you should be focused only on their happiness.

 

One day your children will leave your house. They will have their friends, their own family and their own young ones. They will still love you and visit you. But at the end of the day, they will go home. You have the full right to fight for your happiness. You must do it.

 

But while choosing another partner in life, be aware that you come in a package, and probably the other person does too. Don’t ever rush into a relationship or to introduce your new date to your kids. And make sure your children don’t feel like they “must” like your new love.

 

Get to a point when what happens is not just a flirt. And the person you’re seeing knows about your children and is completely into the situation. Give it time before you make the meeting.

 

I found out that my father was dating one of the teachers in my school from the other kids. It was shocking, and it hurt me because I denied it until I got home and asked him.

 

You have to tell your children you’re seeing someone if that concerns them. If they don’t have any connection with the other, you could keep it a secret for a while.

 

The main worry your children may have while you’re dating someone, is that you don’t give your love only to them anymore. You’re not going to spend time together anymore, and they have to share you with a stranger. Especially if the new person in your life has children as well. Don’t push the things and make sure your child is totally ok with it.

 


 

Don’t be a single parent

 

Even though you’re not together anymore, you and your ex-partner have to share the responsibility for the children. You’re still equally important to them, and the ideal case is to be equally involved in their life as well. Communicate with the other parent on subjects relevant to your children. That could compensate the feeling of loss of extraordinary moments for both of you.

 

Remember, no one will ever care for your children as much as you and the other parent.

 

Check: HOW TO STAY MARRIED AND BE HAPPY

 

Think of yourself

 

Yes, your children are very important. But for them to feel happy and loved, you have to feel happy and to enjoy yourself too. Unhappy parent with anger issues, depression or anxiety cannot raise happy children.

 

After the grief goes away, make sure you’re looking back to the world with bright eyes, and you’re giving yourself another chance to be happy. No matter if it’s going to be alone or with someone else.

 

Love them

 

divorced_parents-happy_children-marriage_problems

Of course, you love your children, what was I thinking!? Well, then don’t forget to tell them that!

 

I really don’t remember if my mother had ever told me she loved me… I know she does, but I never heard it from her.

 

Yes, we should listen to the actions of the people, not their words. I get that. But a child will always need the assurance. The confirmation that when you stopped loving mommy/daddy, that didn’t erase the love for them. These words give the instant heartwarming feeling of safety to the children. Don’t forget that.

 

Spend time together

 

No matter if you have found someone else or you’re giving yourself time. Spend time with your children. Go out, play, go to watch a movie, go shopping, have special dinners, laugh and love. Your kids will need the attention and will remember those moments.

 

And at the end – a small message from a divorced parents’ child to everyone that goes on that road.

 

Check:  HOW TO FIND COUPLE TIME WITH THE KIDS AROUND

 

happy_children-divorced_parentsDear divorced parent,

 

One day everything will come into places. One day they will understand completely why you’re not together and why that was for the best.

 

But this day will come after many years of their own experience in love and relationships. And until that day happens you will have to be patience, mindful and loving parent.

 

You will have to prove the end of the marriage is not the end of the happy life, happy parent-child relationship or happy future.

 

I’m sorry, but the responsibility is yours.

 

Please, don’t forget that whatever you went through during these months or years, is something that your children went through as well. And they don’t see the world the same way as you do.

 

But they will remember the love more than the struggles, the support more than the tears and the understanding more than the sadness.

 

Don’t be divorced parents, be loving parents!

 

 

HOW TO KNOW IF YOUR MARRIAGE IS OVER

It takes two… or when to know if your marriage is over

How do you decide if the marriage is over?

There are times when you can save your marriage and times when you know there’s nothing left to be done. But how to find out in which situation you are, right now? Today! When the emotions are so high that your anger, disappointment and frustration could provide energy to charge half city…

It’s not easy to take a lifetime decision. Or to divorce the person you thought you’d be forever with… That’s even worse. Therefore you need to find out few things before you take the long path of leaving the other’s world.

Are you a person that stays or a person that leaves?

Probably the fact you’re reading this is a sign you’re the person that stays, and you’re looking for answers.

But that is what most of the people think of themselves. Nobody believes he’s the one that leaves. Because the one that always leaves is the weak one. And you don’t want the people to see you weak. That is the reason many people to stay married for years with someone they don’t love anymore. Someone that doesn’t appreciate them. Someone they don’t want to be married to.

But every time someone is asking the question what he should do and is that marriage over, I will always say – stay and try! Try to make it work and only if you’re completely sure that this marriage is not for you, make the step.

How long do you have the issues?

It is important to answer that question. Two reasons:

One: the case may be just your emotions and unwillingness to take a deep breath and compromise for something insignificant in the name of the long-term happiness. We get caught in our emotions too often. And they can lead us to decisions we will regret after that. Make sure the things are different with you two.

 

And two: If it is an issue you have for a long time – the decision you should take is how to work on it. And there are many ways to do so.

Loading...

Whose fault is it to have those issues?

I see your instant reaction – Not my fault!

Think again!

Loading...

Let me be honest. The fault is not always in the other person. So don’t look for proofs that it’s not yours. Search for proofs that it is your fault. See what your part of creating the problems is.

Marriage is a vow between two people. The two of you cause every single thing that happens. The good and the bad.

Find your guilt and see if you can fix it. Once you get to the point where there is nothing else to be done from you, you will have the idea what’s next.

Is every problem fixable?

marriage_is_over-marriage_problemsThere is only one thing that it cannot be fixed – death. Everything in between is a matter of work, love, forgiveness and willingness to fix it. From both sides. But remember: the decision comes from both of you.

You can never do it by yourself! Takes two people for a marriage to exist and takes two people to be ended.

Do you communicate?

Communication is the critical thing your marriage won’t survive without. No relationship in this world would survive without communication.

In its base love is a connection between the souls. So, to make it work on all levels, the vocal expression of that connection has to be present in your everyday marriage life. Is it present?

Answer the questions below to check your quality of communication:

 

  • Are you both willing to sit and talk through the things that bother you?
  • When you speak to each other, do you feel the respect and the love in the other’s words?
  • Do you listen to him/her?
  • Do you interrupt or over speak each other?
  • While talking, do you try your best to see his/her point of view?
  • Do you actually truly understand and feel the words? 
  • What is the purpose of the conversation – to solve the problem or to prove you’re right?
  • Do you feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel after the talk end?

The conclusion is there is nothing that could be done only by you.

To make it work you have to take the decision together. It has to be worked out by both of you.

So are you the only one that is looking for ways to save the marriage?

marriage_problems-marriage-solutionsIf you feel alone with the other and cannot find the way back to him… maybe he doesn’t want you to.

Do you feel pushed to take that decision, just because the other doesn’t want to take the responsibility to do so? Or you don’t see his struggles to make it work because you’re too busy Not to make it work?

A small idea

Close your eyes and imagine your future. What do you want in that future? Career? Children? Travel time? House? Power? What are the things you desire to accomplish? And stay in that dream world for few minutes. Now imagine who is next to you. Is it your partner? Do you see yourself happy with him in ten years time? Do you want to be happy with him in ten years time? And can you see it as possible to happen? Is it achievable for both of you? Be honest…

That is the moment you will know if the marriage is over!

Go Top

Privacy Preference Center

    Necessary

    Advertising

    Analytics

    Other

    %d bloggers like this: