Financial Infidelity and Financial Abuse in Marriage

Financial Infidelity and Financial Abuse Signs, Action Steps and Statistics. Financial Infidelity Grounds for Divorce.

 

Does your spouse acts weird when it comes to money and don’t want to talk over money issues? 

Do you feel helpless when you try to start a conversation about saving/spending/anything! Regarding money?

Or maybe they just ignore your hints and avoid sticking to the subject?

Do you feel used? Tired? Confused?

Read on; I’m here to help!

All those are just the foam of all signs of financial infidelity…

…or a financial abuse!

And you are its victim!

Except…

…You don’t know it!

What you want is simple, isn’t it?

financial infidelity in marriage financial abuse
Financial Infidelity Grounds for Divorce

You want to create a marriage full of trust, love, security, clear communication and deep connection. You would love both of you to contribute to the financial aspect of your married life, to pay off all the annoying debts and live your life free of any worry and sleepless nights.

However, lately, you feel like something’s wrong…

You think “Am I going crazy over insignificant things?”

“Is it fair to ask my partner to be more money aware when even I am still learning?”

“Will I destroy our relationship if we start fighting over money? Wasn’t that the shortcut to divorce?”

“Will I lose their trust if I’m wrong about this?”

Well, let’s make things clear first before you have that talk with your significant one.

 

What is financial infidelity?

What is financial abuse? 

Are they as bad as cheating? 

Are they fixable? 

Is it possible to be their victim even if you consider yourself as a smart and educated person? (short answer – YES!)

Let’s dig into family money, and financial infidelity, financial abuse and the difference between them.

Did you know…?

31% of all couples clash over money issues monthly 

 

More than three couples out of ten argue over debts, fail to communicate effectively over money, paying off debts and spending money in a “smart way” (if there’s one at all…).

How to know if you are a victim of financial infidelity and your spouse is lying to you? Are there any signs?

 

Of course, there are signs.

Easy to be seen…

… as long as you know where to look.

My goal in this post is to make you aware that even the one you love and vow to share everything with, might be hiding something from you… that they shouldn’t.

I will go over:

– Signs of financial infidelity;

– Financial abuse and its manipulation goals

– Financial ABUSE and when you should run as fast as you can

– Actions to take if you find out your spouse is hiding money from you

– How to deal with the debts in case you still want to fix the problems

Signs of financial infidelity – hiding money and its cons…

 

Hiding money! 

Sounds childish but surprisingly everyone had done it at some point in their life.

Have you ever both something and hid its price from your spouse?

Did you wait at least three months after you met your significant one to tell them about your debts?

Well, you’ve cheated financially too… Small, but still counts.

The reasons are countless, but today we’ll focus on the perfect case…

Which means…

Your spouse doesn’t hide money because you like to spend them!

You consider yourself as a financially educated person and don’t believe you overspend. You were never blamed you waste money on … well, anything.

On the other hand, you never banned your spouse from doing reasonable shopping. When they wanted or needed something, you’re always up for it.

Good for you!

However…

Something is wrong between the two of you. 

Financial ABUSE

 

Now, there is financial abuse, and there’s financial ABUSE. 

Before we go through all that it’s to come, I’d like to make this as clear as possible.

It might be confusing, and many people could even judge me over making a difference – abuse is abuse, no matter what.

However, if your spouse controls your money, doesn’t allow you to spend anything unless he approves it and you feel scared to raise the problem, it’s ABUSE, and the financial part is just a small aspect of it.

You need professional help, and you need to leave that person. And I’m not sorry to that you need to run as fast as possible from that person.

I’d like to separate the financial abuse on two levels.

Financial Abuse Level 1

 

Your partner is asking you to pay for yourself when you’re out and that happens almost all the time. He or she makes you feel like you owe them at least this and often hide that behind the fact that they don’t have money to pay for you two.

Also, financial abuse from level 1 is often making you pay for everything in the house too. If you both work but one of you pays for everything and the other spends his money on personal hobbies, it is a financial abuse too.

If you feel your partner has the opportunity to help you more financially in the house but doesn’t want to, you are a victim of that type of financial abuse. I’ve talked more about it in How to live with financially unstable husband.

This type of financial abuse is closely related to financial infidelity but both are fixable. Something we cannot say for Level 2

Financial abuse Level 2

 

  • Your spouse doesn’t allow you to work
  • Has full control over your salary if you work
  • Leaves you with no money
  • You don’t have any financial independence in your home
  • You don’t have access to money even for basic needs
  • Your partner uses your debit credit cards without permission
  • Every time you try to raise your voice about these problems your partner gets aggressive
  • All or some of these problems are combined with physical abuse as well

Needless to say – you have to run!

There is no chance of things getting better. You are dealing with an emotionally damaged person and it is not your job to fix them. Your partner manipulates and abuses you, and your place is as far away from them as possible.

With that said, assuming you are not one of these cases, let’s keep saving your marriage…

You notice one or few of the signs below:

No clarity in your money situation no matter how hard you try

 

It looks like you never know what’s going on with the money you and your spouse earn every month. 

The bills are paid, the rent/mortgage also. The grocery shopping is done. But somehow, you still feel that you don’t know where the money goes.

If you have joint accounts, it’s kind of easy to notice what’s going on.

But what if…

… your spouse has another account in another bank?

There are a few ways to find that out, but I’ll get to that in a second.

The fact is you don’t see how is possible to not be able to save money when both of you earn enough and your debts are not so big.

Well, that little feeling in your chests?

It’s a small sign of financial infidelity.

Your spouse might be hiding money from you, but don’t urge to go crazy over it. It could be lack of organisation and money budgeting. It’s fixable and there’s nothing to worry about. See how to fix this by learning family budgeting for couples.

However…

Unwillingness to talk about money that drives you insane

 

Your partner constantly avoids talking about your money savings, paying off debts and budget planning. He (or she) never have time for that type of conversation, no matter how much you try to create the time for it.

Your significant one doesn’t want to “think about money right now”, “doesn’t have time for such a talk” or just goes nervous and blames you for lack of trust (more about this later).

Did you recognise yourself in that situation? 

I’m sorry to be a pain, but you have a problem. 

Money problem.

And your spouse hides something. There is no excuse or explanation on that one. You are probably a victim of financial infidelity. Let’s see below if we could add more to that…

Hiding the bank statements from you or going through the mail every day before you get to it

 

Yep, there’s something your spouse doesn’t want to you to see – letter from the bank. A bank statement for a credit card or a bank account you don’t know it exists.

Or maybe there are no more bank statements arriving via mail?

Receiving a letter with a bank statement would push you to go through it. So if your spouse uses his account to hide money or pay extra debts through, they wouldn’t want you to see the bank statement. You might actually even forget checking the accounts.

However, nowadays many banks offer online statements and this could make things harder for you. 

No explanations when it comes to spendings – being rude is a sign of financial infidelity

 

Having a normal conversation with your spouse shouldn’t be something you cross your fingers to happen.

Money is a crucial part of every couple’s life and talking about money is more than alright. 

In fact, it’s necessary.

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