It takes two… or when to know if your marriage is over
How do you decide if the marriage is over?
There are times when you can save your marriage and times when you know there’s nothing left to be done. But how to find out in which situation you are, right now? Today! When the emotions are so high that your anger, disappointment and frustration could provide energy to charge half city…
It’s not easy to take a lifetime decision. Or to divorce the person you thought you’d be forever with… That’s even worse. Therefore you need to find out few things before you take the long path of leaving the other’s world.
Are you a person that stays or a person that leaves?
Probably the fact you’re reading this is a sign you’re the person that stays, and you’re looking for answers.
But that is what most of the people think of themselves. Nobody believes he’s the one that leaves. Because the one that always leaves is the weak one. And you don’t want the people to see you weak. That is the reason many people to stay married for years with someone they don’t love anymore. Someone that doesn’t appreciate them. Someone they don’t want to be married to.
But every time someone is asking the question what he should do and is that marriage over, I will always say – stay and try! Try to make it work and only if you’re completely sure that this marriage is not for you, make the step.
How long do you have the issues?
It is important to answer that question. Two reasons:
One: the case may be just your emotions and unwillingness to take a deep breath and compromise for something insignificant in the name of the long-term happiness. We get caught in our emotions too often. And they can lead us to decisions we will regret after that. Make sure the things are different with you two.
And two: If it is an issue you have for a long time – the decision you should take is how to work on it. And there are many ways to do so.
Whose fault is it to have those issues?
I see your instant reaction – Not my fault!
Let me be honest. The fault is not always in the other person. So don’t look for proofs that it’s not yours. Search for proofs that it is your fault. See what your part of creating the problems is.
Marriage is a vow between two people. The two of you cause every single thing that happens. The good and the bad.
Find your guilt and see if you can fix it. Once you get to the point where there is nothing else to be done from you, you will have the idea what’s next.
Is every problem fixable?
There is only one thing that it cannot be fixed – death. Everything in between is a matter of work, love, forgiveness and willingness to fix it. From both sides. But remember: the decision comes from both of you.
You can never do it by yourself! Takes two people for a marriage to exist and takes two people to be ended.
Do you communicate?
Communication is the critical thing your marriage won’t survive without. No relationship in this world would survive without communication.
In its base love is a connection between the souls. So, to make it work on all levels, the vocal expression of that connection has to be present in your everyday marriage life. Is it present?
Answer the questions below to check your quality of communication:
- Are you both willing to sit and talk through the things that bother you?
- When you speak to each other, do you feel the respect and the love in the other’s words?
- Do you listen to him/her?
- Do you interrupt or over speak each other?
- While talking, do you try your best to see his/her point of view?
- Do you actually truly understand and feel the words?
- What is the purpose of the conversation – to solve the problem or to prove you’re right?
- Do you feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel after the talk end?
The conclusion is there is nothing that could be done only by you.
To make it work you have to take the decision together. It has to be worked out by both of you.
So are you the only one that is looking for ways to save the marriage?
If you feel alone with the other and cannot find the way back to him… maybe he doesn’t want you to.
Do you feel pushed to take that decision, just because the other doesn’t want to take the responsibility to do so? Or you don’t see his struggles to make it work because you’re too busy Not to make it work?
A small idea
Close your eyes and imagine your future. What do you want in that future? Career? Children? Travel time? House? Power? What are the things you desire to accomplish? And stay in that dream world for few minutes. Now imagine who is next to you. Is it your partner? Do you see yourself happy with him in ten years time? Do you want to be happy with him in ten years time? And can you see it as possible to happen? Is it achievable for both of you? Be honest…
That is the moment you will know if the marriage is over!