The “victim personality”! Whose fault is it to cry night after night? Why love hurt?
To get the right answers, you should ask the right questions!
Life could be tough.
Love could hurt.
None of these is big news.
Losing months or years with someone who isn’t our perfect match is a painful process. A challenge everyone goes through…
And some of you are still there, in the agonising pit of shame and half-dead hope… waiting for the end of it.
Why does love hurt so much?
You asked, “Why love hurt?”.
I will answer this question in a second as I want you to fully understand it.
I found my answer just a year ago, and it was the most painful realisation in my life.
At the same time, it was the plainest answer ever.
Love hurts because it is not Love.
With all the respect, let me repeat it:
Love hurts because it is not Love.
So: If it hurts it is not love
Because: If it’s love it doesn’t hurt!
However, you might say, we all know that love could be painful and still have a happy ending, etc…
Let me describe Love: full of understanding, freedom, communication, mutual respect of the emotions, support and same life goals and values. This type of love would have its bumps and challenges. They will make it stronger, could tear it apart for a period just to put the pieces back together and create the most reliable relationship ever. This is Love!
If this is what you look for in life… then I have to tell you I’ve seen it! I’ve seen it in my friends, I’ve read it in the books, I have it in my life!
Yes, it exists. No, the devastation and the feeling of ripping off your heart every day you open your eyes is never present.
Why love hurt? It’s not the loss of love that hurts:
The realisation that it was not real love is what causes you the pain.
He makes your life miserable. Day after day you look in the mirror and ask yourself how to make things better. Night after night you pray in your sleep for guidance to bring back the magic into your life.
You throw things at him crying for his understanding and acceptance. You beg for his love and cut your heart with a blazing knife, gifting every piece of it to someone who doesn’t want to obtain it.
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Does that sound familiar?
Do you have these breathless moments of desperation and hugging the pillow you scream inside of your head “Why is love so painful? Why love hurt? Why does it have to be that way?!”
How to make ourselves leave that relationship? And how to not go back in the same situation with a different person?
The victim personality
Stephen Chbosky says:
And that’s almost half of the answer to your question “Why love hurt?”.
But the problem starts so far away from the love and relationship area, that we don’t assume even for a second it’s all connected. Let’s explore it!
We are used to blaming the obstacles or the people around us for everything that happens. Each one of us has said one of these at least once in the last year:
“I’m not on a high position because my boss hates me.”
“I can’t afford myself to go on a fancy holiday because I have to pay bills and my salary is rubbish.”
“I couldn’t go out on Friday night because nobody called me. My friends abounded me!”
“I can’t have a meaningful relationship because all of the women I meet are after my money.”
“All men want me just for the sex.”
I could go on longer, but you get the point.
The model is “I can’t…do (have/go/make/achieve) what I want, because something (someone) stops me from doing it (is on my way to it).”
I call this “The victim personality”.
Placing the responsibility for your life decisions and actions in someone else’s hands is what leads you to the part “I couldn’t do it because of something that was out my control.”
When things go wrong, we like to blame anything or anyone else but us.
This type of behaving and beliefs causes us two things:
First – we have the perfect excuse for losing the right direction in life.
Second – On a subconscious level it gives us the false feeling of satisfaction that not us but someone else destroyed our life. We are guilt-free and in a real-life crisis that’s the first thing we try to prove – it was not our fault!
How convenient is that?!
If I were not harsh on myself, constantly taking responsibility for my pain, I wouldn’t realise something fundamental. Something that you should understand as well. ASAP.
It is my fault!
I have the stupid job I hate because I signed the contract and agreed to work for that company on these conditions!
I don’t have money to go on a fancy holiday because I spend all of it on clothes/shoes/video games/alcohol…
I don’t have the higher position because I spend at least 30% of my time at work on my phone or chatting with the colleagues.
My boss doesn’t like me because he probably heard from someone how much I don’t like him!
I believe every woman is after my money because I prefer to show off how much I earn instead of focusing on conversations that will give us the chance to get to know each other’s intentions.
All of the men I date want me only for sex because I believe that the only way to prove I’m worth their time is to give them sexual pleasure.
It is my fault for everything. No matter the state of my life right now, today, I am the reason to be as it is.
Every single decision led me to this moment, today.
It was me.
Even when I was following others’ advice. I decided to support it. It was my fault!
You know what the first part of solving the problem is, right? To admit you have a problem.
So why love hurt? Or.. why we get to a state of a relationship that causes us pain?
We spend months or years in a relationship that obviously doesn’t make us happy, and in the end, we blame the other for wasting our time.
We ask him to stay the same as he was at the beginning and yet, we constantly correct his actions and advise him to be better than what he is.
Why is love so painful when both of you just want to be happy?
It’s all because we don’t like to blame ourselves for anything.
Behind closed eyes…
The signs this person was not for you were there from the first date. Or the second one.
You just refused to admit it. Do you have a foggy memory of something you heard, noticed, felt and later chose not to pay attention to?
You were too nervous to introduce that person to your parents because you know they won’t like him/her. Because they wouldn’t ignore the things, you would.
You thought your friends are jealous of your happiness and that’s the reason they stepped away shortly after they met your new partner.
You chose not to listen to your inner voice and to go one step further in this relationship.
It was you!
The way out of the pain was there. You stepped aside of it.
I’m far away from the idea to make you feel miserable.
However, to get out of the ocean of pain, you should push yourself up from the very bottom of it!
It is not completely your fault! Why love hurt?
Our society teaches us that love comes along with pain, and we should fight for our happiness. We should prove to everyone how amazing we feel about this person. And only after all of the arguments are settled, the fights are fought, the tears dry out, the number of compromises reaches a million… Only after the war with ourselves and the world gets bloody and almost kill us, the “happily ever after” will come.
No need to torture yourself.
No need for tears.
No need to swallow pride and prejudices.
Because love doesn’t hurt.
Love won’t give you hope. Love will be Hope!
Love will give you the soothing feeling of peace with yourself and with the world around you.
It will make you believe in yourself and the other without the urge to fight for it.
You will not want to speak with your besties for hours about every single word he said last night. Because the prove, he loves you will be so obvious to you that you’ll stop looking for it.
Love will push your limits gently and will put a kiss on your forehead every morning.
You will be part of a team of two people who look, walk and search for the same deep soothing feeling every evening.
You will choose not to argue but to talk over the problem. Because you don’t want to hurt the other.
You will regret mistakes and will see in the other understanding you cannot offer yourself yet.
There will be no need to look in the mirror to search for a proof you look good today – everything you need to know will be in the other’s eyes.
No, this is not a pink chick novel. Neither it is a poetic exaggeration of something everyone wants to touch, but no one sees.
This is Love!
Dr Seuss says:
And that, my friend, is the other half you need to answer your questions.
Find Love! Hold Love! Be Love!
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