What to do when your financially unstable husband doesn’t care about paying bills and debts or saving money?
Living with financially unstable husband can be overwhelming, stressful and depressing. The situation leaves you – the wife, to think about bills, rent or mortgage, the education of the children, the grocery shopping and paying off debts you both took.
I am far away from the idea that the man has to earn all the money in the household and to provide finances for absolutely everything. However, marriage is a partnership and just like in it every partner has to chip n with his/her share.
That share could be money, but it is as well housework, looking after the kids, communicating, showing love and respect and at least another 100 things more.
So no, marriage is not about money, but money is essential for our healthy existence. Therefore living with financially unstable husband may be a challenge, not every woman would enjoy.
How does a financially unstable husband look like?
Financial stability has many definitions nowadays, and it varies from having a successful career that pays off well to managing a business that allows you to live your days in peace. With one word – it’s quite obvious when you’re financially stable.
On the other hand financial instability has many more hidden signs than unhidden. That is only one of the reasons why you could end up in a marriage with a financially unstable husband.
- He doesn’t like to chip in when the monthly bills come – or gives less money than he should
- He doesn’t work and is in constant search for a job that would match his qualifications and expectations. As a result, he never likes nor accepts any job offer that doesn’t cover all of his criteria.
- He works, but it’s low paid job and refuses to look for something better.
- Has many debts and he promises to pay them off, but somehow you listen to the same old-same old all since you met him
- Never manage to save anything even if his income allows him to.
- He never knows where his money went
- He has a good income but spends it on unnecessary things and forgets about the important household payments.
- Often asks for money and get offended if you ask him why he doesn’t try to get better at managing his finances.
- The financially unstable husband just doesn’t care about saving money or making an effort to help with the family spending.
Financially unstable husband is not only the one that doesn’t work or doesn’t earn enough money.
It’s mostly the husband that doesn’t care about improving the situation. Every family could struggle with the money at some point in the marriage.
No one is secured that his job will always be there, paying off debts and bills. But it is the way he manages himself in these moments.
It’s about the constant pattern of denial to take responsibility for providing an income that will make everyone’s life easier and happier.
How to act if your husband’s been financially unstable for the last few years?
I feel your pain, and I would like to give you few pieces of advice on how to make an action plan for improving your financial situation without ruin your marriage.
The first and most important rule
You still need him. You cannot improve your household without the help of your husband. To be alone against the banks, the schools, the electricity, the gas and insurance companies is rude and disrespectful to him. Unless your income allows you to look after the family without struggling and causing you stress – no other reason ‘s acceptable for your husband not to be part of it.
So yes, you need him in the equation. But no matter how angry and offended you feel – snapping at him will not help you get where you want to.
So the first and most important thing is to consider how to talk to him.
Communication is the first action
Ask him when he wants you to sit and have a conversation on that subject. Don’t do it in front of the TV. Don’t do it over glasses of alcohol. Make sure you have time for a long chat as it may take a while.
I am coming back to that as it’s very often mistaken to get too angry at him and the moment that happens – the chances for him to understand you are going low.
Nobody likes to be threatened to do something. A successful communication includes explanation and lot’s of “why”.
- Why you need him to be more focused on the money situation?
- Why can you not be responsible for all household?
- Why he has to reconsider his job situation and money managing?
It’s all about showing your side of the story and helping him see that the marriage is about making the efforts for both of you to be happy. Threats don’t have a place in successful marriage.
Help him making a plan
Offer your support in making a plan how to manage better his money. Work with numbers and set up a goal that could be achieved in the nearest future. Suggest a reward for both of you if you succeed in working together toward the goal.
Bringing financially unstable husband back to stability need work. Motivation is part of the process all the time. The support he needs at the beginning is essential and keeping up with the plan will be your work as much as it’s his.
Be strong and don’t back off
If you believe it will work for the first time – there’s a bomb for you – IT WILL NOT. Changing a bad habit with a good one is hard. It takes strong will and belief in one’s ability to succeed.
There will be times when your partner will want to go back to the same old way of living. It’s your job to show him you remember his promises and you will not back off till he keeps them.
What If It Doesn’t Work
- What if none of the techniques worked?
- What if you did your best to explain and he didn’t listen?
- What if you kept reminding, motivated and encouraged, and still nothing happened?
- What if for years there’s no improvement and there’s no hope for it anymore?
- What if you keep hearing promises you know they won’t be held?
- What if you started failing yourself and doubting in your own mental health?
- What if it bothers your sleep and you feel like life just ends every morning you have to open your eyes and go to the daily battle?
What is the next step? Does that mean you have to reconsider your marriage?
If your financial situation allows it, I would strongly recommend marriage counselling. It would definitely help both of you to see your parts in this marriage. It could bring the best and worst out, but you need it.
Check: 7 TOP REASONS FOR DIVORCE
Imagine your life
Let me be as honest as possible. Financially unstable husband is a partner that may never change. With every year that passes the capability of the person to change gets lower and lower. So the chances are he will never be as responsible as you need him to be.
There will be a moment when you have to decide for yourself if the love between the of you is real.
Even if you claim you love him would you live the same way as you did today for the next 40 years or even more?
And if you claim you love him – why do you love someone else more than you love yourself? Is it a healthy love? A healthy partnership? A healthy relationship?
If he really loved you would he treat you like the way he does? Is it love to kiss you and hold you tight at night and to send you dealing with the problems on your own?
If you have children – is it that the example of family you would like them to grow up looking at? Would you approve your daughter to have your role in her marriage one day?
Would you sacrifice you inner peace, your health, mental stability and life-happiness for someone that’s too selfish to try a change?
Divorce is the last thing I would recommend to a family. But it’s the necessary choice when it comes to all I said above – inner peace, health, mental stability, life-happiness and the example you want to give to your children.