Which one is more important? Love or Money? What About Financial Infidelity?
Fact: Financial infidelity could hurt even more than an affair.
70% of the divorced couples out there point “money” as the main reason for their failed marriage.
Does that mean money is more important than love?
Are you doomed to be unhappy in your love life if you catch your spouse hiding money from you?
Have you ever noticed that we talk more often about what we do in our beds than what we do with our money?
Do you want to know why?
Bear with me because I’m going to answer all of your questions and give you access to the one thing you must master for a happy marriage.
You are probably reading this article for one of these reasons:
- As a couple, you struggle financially and would like to know how to get back in track before the sh**ty situation takes away your happiness.
- You, as an individual, have troubles explaining your partner he needs to be more responsible with money. He doesn’t understand it, and you wonder what to do.
- You suspect your partner in hiding money from you; he has debts he doesn’t want to talk about or takes loans without talking with you before that.
Related Post: HOW TO LIVE WITH A FINANCIALLY UNSTABLE HUSBAND
Whatever your situation, you are frustrated most of the time, you are angry at your loved one more often than you’d like to admit and you are most likely running out of patience.
On top of that…
You feel guilty about all that frustration.
I’m with you.
But the truth?
Love is more important than money and you know it.
Money issues could easily mean the end of your marriage is close.
So how do you go out of this maze?
Become a learner
Let’s get to the point.
To be good at something you must master it.
Marriage is a relationship that evolves every day and if we don’t learn how to improve it, it will evolve in something painful and destructive.
Here’s the scary part.
Many people believe that once they tie the knot their job is done. They know each other too well and there’s no need to look for change.
As a result, we “predict” the other’s action steps, opinion, decisions and act according to these predictions. And not according to reality.
What’s the catch?
One day we wake up and find out we were lied, ignored and we cannot recognise the person next to us.
Think I’m exaggerating?
29 million Americans are hiding checkings, savings or credit cards from their spouse. (Source)
20% of married people say they can feel their partner hides the money to have debt they know nothing about.
Before you become part of that ugly statistic, you must learn.
Imagine if you could actually prevent things from getting worse and find the right way to communicate with your spouse about money.
Can I be totally honest with you?
There is a way to make things right and to start that process today. Now.
Learning requires time, willingness and effort.
But it pays off in the best possible way – with a long-lasting fulfilling relationship and a “happily-ever-after” marriage.
If you need to know the signs that your partner cheats on you financially, head over to this post here. It’s packed with useful info.
Now here’s the answer to you “What to do next?”
First Comes Love, Then Comes Money
I have a starting point for you: First Comes Love, Then Comes Money by Scott and Bethany Palmer.
It reminds me a little bit of the 5 Love Languages, and it is as revolutionary in understanding why money problems occur and how to deal with them.
The cool thing is…
This book is ranked as one of the best love and relationship books ever by HuffPost. And it’s all about love and money and how to make them work together… for you.
Related Post: 7 WORST MISTAKES WOMEN DO IN MARRIAGE ALL THE TIME
The book is revolutionary in one thing…
It points out five different Money personalities: The Saver, The Spender, The Risk Taker, The Security Seeker and The Flyer.
Each one of these personalities has a different approach to money and different understanding thus different communication expectations. The problem occurs when the two lovebirds (you and your partner) have different money personalities that don’t match the other’s preferences.
Let’s go over the 5 money personalities:
He likes the sound of saved coins so much that it brings tears of happiness in his eyes.
The Saver’s goal is to buy stuff only when needed, shop mainly “reduced to clear” and “on-sale”. He loves charity shops and finding a bargain is like an another Christmas day. If you live with a Saver you most likely are tired of listening “we shouldn’t buy this”, “we could save on that”.
This personality type likes… well, to spend.
The Spender likes buying gifts for others, gifts for their loved ones, gifts for themselves, things they believe they need and things they have no idea if they need but are shiny enough to catch his eye. Money is a tool to live life on maximum, and even though Spenders want to save, they rarely do it. If you live with a Spender, you probably have to almost hide money from him to pay the most necessary bills.
Related Post: 7 SIGNS OF MANIPULATION YOU MISSED IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
The Risk Taker
Planning, researching and “playing safe” aren’t things that The Risk Taker is familiar with.
He loves a good deal and never misses an opportunity to invest in the “next best thing ever”. If you live with a Risk Taker you are likely scared most of the time he will spend all of your money on something ridiculously risky.
The Security Seeker
Planning, researching and “playing safe” is his #1 priority.
The Security Seeker is up to anything and everything as long as it’s well researched, and the profit is 100% guaranteed. If you live with him you know that nothing enters the house unless it’s the best deal ever, you are used to always listening about “rainy days money”, “retirement fund” and “plan-this-plan-that”.
Money doesn’t really matter to him.
The Flyer needs enough to live, and nothing beyond this point catches his attention. He is messy with money, never plans anything and has no idea where the money goes. If you live with a Flyer you know that’s he never keeps track on their spendings, and he even needs help with remembering to pay debts here and there. It’s not like he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t care.
So what does all that has to do with you and your marriage?
Related Post: YOUR HUSBAND IGNORES YOU? HERE IS YOUR ACTION PLAN
No money problem could be solved with one approach only, but if there’s one thing that unites every money problem that’s “lack of communication and honesty”.
Well written and engaging, First Comes Love, Then Comes Money is a book about your relationship and not about your money.
Although it did give me the wrong expression before I read it, this book is not going to provide you 1-2-3-Step Guide on how to deal with your finances.
Instead, it will give you action steps on how to attack the problem, not each other and learn to communicate better.
Let me just quote them here: “… Your money problems aren’t about money; they are about the financial miscommunication” Let me translate it one more time: You don’t have financial problems, you have communication problems.
A Few Quotes from The Book
Pros of First Comes Money, Then Comes Love
- Explicit language, easy to follow, no unnecessary explanations.
- Loads of examples – they gave me the best perspective and helped me analyse my Money Personality better than the test in the book.
- Informative and unique content which is refreshing as we all know that relationship and money books often tend to repeat each other. This won’t happen here, I promise you!
- Written by professionals – Let me stress this as it’s essential – The book is written by professionals in the financial area. This is important if you need information that will help you identify your financial communication. Besides, the authors include their own experience, and it’s engaging.
- Offers a map on how to deal with miscommunication and financial infidelity. Also, it has useful How to Fight Fair Guide with 8 helpful steps on how to do it.
- Problem-Solution layout. I like self-help books to have an action plan, don’t you? Writing out the steps to get the results I want is the most proven way that works for me. Well, you have it here.
Cons of the book
Although I enjoyed the book a lot, I would say it felt incomplete at the end. I liked the insightfulness of the first parts, but in the end, it felt a bit rushed. The Money Huddle explained as a way to communicate healthily about finances, is very practical but takes just a small part of the book.
Also, I needed more information on Money Personalities as well. I had troubles identifying my Money Personality. Although later on, in the examples I had my answers, the Money Personality Test could be improved.
So it all adds up to this: The book will help you.
I know it because I’ve worked in a bank for almost 10 years and I’ve seen families that argue over money and joint accounts. They get married to get divorced shortly after that because of money.
And although it makes me cringe when I say this… It’s all about money.
Love comes before money, but only if you do it the right way.
Don’t let your happiness slip away because you didn’t try everything. It’s sad how many marriages would be saved by now if people had tried everything before they decide it’s impossible to stay together.
So, do you have a financial problem with your spouse?
More Books by Bethany and Scott Palmer regarding financial infidelity and money problems:
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