How To Break Up With Someone You Live With

It was a late Friday evening. I had just successfully ended one of the most stressful workdays of the year. My head was buzzing with lists of finished and unfinished tasks. I was seconds away from falling asleep when he said, “I can’t do this anymore!”

Confusion rushed through my veins. “What do you mean?” I mumbled in the pillow, hoping it wasn’t what it sounded. “Us. This relationship. I can’t do this anymore!”, he confirmed my thoughts.

At this point, I was praying for this conversation just to be postponed by a few hours, not because it wasn’t needed, but because I was so freaking tired, and the only thing I cared about was sleep.

I know, how lame.

Yet, my partner wanted to make things clear at this point of the day. So, I had to turn the lights on and go through an hour of explanations, questions, hysterical cry and packing my stuff at 1 am. Yep, that’s what a tired, stressed, and overwhelmed girl does when someone breaks up with her in the wrong hour of the day (or the night).

You see, breaking up with someone you live with isn’t just about ending a relationship… it’s about interrupting an established lifestyle you both had gotten used to.

It’s about taking into consideration so many little things that you might as well decide to skip the breakup itself. Well, don’t.

If you feel like ending the relationship is your only option, by all means, I encourage you to do it and search for your happiness somewhere else. However… there are right ways to do it, and there are wrong ways to do it.

Today, I am here to tell you how to break up with someone you live with and do it in a less damaging way so you don’t end up part of a blog post story almost ten years later.

11 Tips On How To Break Up With Someone You Live With

1. Decide what you want to say 

So, you made a definitive choice that you want to break up. But do you know exactly what you want to tell your partner?

The reality is that it’s often difficult to find the right words to use when you want to end a relationship, especially when you are living together with the person.

Even so, it’s imperative to think the conversation through and have concrete talking points. Situations differ from person to person, which is why there isn’t a possibility of a one-script-fits-all.

Despite this, you should still be honest, avoid placing blame and keep the conversation tight. It’s okay not to be 100% aware of all the feelings you have. Still, you should at least communicate the reasoning behind your decision and stand your ground.

2. Brace yourself for questions

It’s natural that your partner will likely have questions after you deliver the devastating blow. The other person might not have seen this coming at all, which is likely to bring forth plenty of confused questioning as the emotional storm bubbles beneath the surface.

Be ready to offer insight into some big-picture problems and why you don’t think the relationship will work. Avoid focusing on small details which can needlessly strain the conversation (like, “You snore too loudly”).

Instead, be open to answering any questions your partner might have while keeping a top-level overview. What was the dealbreaker? Could the person learn something that could help them in their next relationship?

3. Choose an appropriate time

As you may have guessed from the personal example I outlined above, breaking up with your partner at 1 am on a Friday night might not be the best decision ever.

Of course, I support talking as soon as you feel like your mind is made up to avoid a loss of momentum. However, you should also show some compassion to your partner’s schedule.

This is even more true if your or your partner’s program has high-stress events, which would require their full attention. Plan out in advance sufficient time to have a lengthy talk if you need, without any distractions. This includes work, obligations, or right before bedtime. 

4. Be kind

It could be very easy and tempting to demonize your partner and blame them for all the mishaps that the relationship has experienced.

However, don’t forget that your partner is human at the end of the day – just like you and me, and sometimes things don’t work out. Try to put yourself in their shoes and don’t be needlessly cruel to them.

If we change the perspective a bit, you should also aim to make a clean cut instead of tiptoeing around to minimize the damage. The chances are that if you don’t tell your partner straight up that you want to break up with them, this might leave them with the wrong impression. So be kind and communicate your wants firmly. 

5. Control your emotions

At one point, the conversation might escalate, which is understandable due to the emotions both of you might be going through.

However, it’s crucial to remain calm and not let your feelings take over your better judgment. If things get too heated or you start to feel that anger, fury, or other high-impact emotion starts surging, feel free to leave the room, drink some water or even exit the house altogether.

Take the time to regulate each other’s feelings. Pick up the talk again when both of you can focus on the importance of the conversation, free from emotional influences. 

6. Give them the opportunity to talk 

After declaring your need to break the relationship off, and your partner asked their questions about what’s happening, they will likely feel the need to vent or talk about the matter as well.

You should try your best to listen to their side of the story with your undivided attention and as much empathy as you can. It would help if you respected their feelings and in no way tried to invalidate them.

Be wary if the conversation starts to pick up on topics unrelated to the discussion. Try to steer it in a different direction. Suppose you feel like your partner won’t stop begging for you to reconsider or won’t stop challenging your decision. In that case, you are in your right to end the conversation. 

7. Discuss practical matters

Breaking up with someone is emotionally charged on its own. Breaking up with someone you live with is a whole different side of things you need to consider.

You need to discuss finances, splitting the bills, and most importantly – who will have to move out of the house? Understandably, this can be a tough conversation to have. This is why it’s okay to leave it for the following few days before opening the subject of splitting up.

You need to gather yourself to make these critical decisions and not overlook something just because emotions drive you.

8. Offer to help 

If you reach a decision that your partner will be the one to move out, you can offer to help them pack their things or arrange anything else they might need.

Now, this is a tricky one because the success of this depends entirely on your partner’s disposition to the breakup. If you both are mature enough and can purely look on the practical side of things, helping each other move out can be taken as a respectful tribute to the time you spent together.

However, if your partner isn’t as mature, they can take this act as one of disrespect and as a sign that you can’t wait to get rid of them. So, act according to your own discretion but based on experience, it would have been nice if my ex-partner offered to help somehow, even if I would have turned him down. 

9. Give each other space

If you can’t part ways shortly after deciding to break up and still have to live together, you need to do your best to give each other space.

It goes without saying that sharing a bed is likely not an option anymore. You should pick up this conversation with your partner and decide on how to best handle co-living for the time being.

You might think this is impossible to achieve, but I have a friend who worked it out with her ex quite well. Her ex-boyfriend slept on the couch, and she took the bedroom. Also, they used different rooms to work in since they worked from home. 

10. Set up a support system 

Breakups can be a difficult time to navigate through alone. Even more so when you are living with the person, you are breaking up with.

This is why it might be a good idea to share your situation with a trusted friend or two. This way, they can offer the support you may need to get through this.

They can help you move out if necessary and even offer to stay with them temporarily before you find a place of your own. Take advantage of the social connections and relationships you have. Don’t be afraid to lean on them when you need them – no one is an island. 

11. Divide your joint possessions

After you talk about practical matters such as moving out, it’s time to divide your possessions and things you bought together through the years.

Sometimes this isn’t an easy task. Purchases can be extremely emotionally charged, which is why it could be challenging to reach a consensus. Consider asking a friend of yours to be a mediator to help you get the message across. This can help you both to feel like your wishes are being respected and that everything is fairly divided between each side. 

Last Words of Advice When Breaking Up With Someone You Live With

How to break up with someone you live with? With respect, kindness, empathy, and understanding. You owe this to them because you were probably planning your future together until a few weeks (or months) ago. It’s a different topic of conversation if they will answer the same way. You do the right thing on your side and let them pick their position.

Lastly, make sure you work on dealing with the breakup in a self-nurturing way. Even though the decision to end your relationship was yours, you also go through the breakup, and mixed emotions are normal. I have a free e-book on how to get over a breakup fast, ready to download right here.

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How To Break Up With Someone You Live With