Breakups can devastate even the best of us. Trying to get over them may even seem like an impossible task at first. You feel lonely, confused, angry – a whole plethora of emotions that try to overwhelm one another and, most importantly, you. Whatever state you might be in, it’s important to deal with what has happened and move on as soon as possible.
Here are 9 questions to ask yourself after a breakup, which can help you find the closure you are searching for.
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9 questions to ask yourself after a breakup
1. “What did I do that contributed to this relationship failing?”
Here’s the truth! Both partners equally share the responsibility for the success of any relationship.
Sure, maybe your boyfriend treated you poorly, cheated on you, and neglected you but never forget that relationships are a two-way street.
While blaming your (ex) partner could be liberating to you, it would do little to help you in the long run. It is healthy to take some accountability and responsibility for how things ended between you. You may have clung to him for the wrong reasons, chose your career over him, or self-sabotaged a bit too much.
Whatever it was, pondering on some self-reflection can be very helpful to avoid such mistakes from repeating in the future. Remember that even though you had your faults, your ex sure had his, so focus more on the personal growth side of the situation and not on rushing to get back with him, since now you see the error in your ways.
2. “What would I do differently in my next relationship?”
Now that you’ve taken the time to self-reflect, it’s time to make an actionable plan.
No one is perfect, which is why you should look for ways to improve yourself that can benefit both your personal growth, as well as your relationship wellbeing. If you don’t address these improvement points, you are likely to experience the same downfalls you just did in your future relationships. Take a moment to think about anything your ex might have pointed out and consider whether he could actually be onto something.
3. “Did I have realistic expectations?”
If you are anything like me, you start having a plan in your head as soon as you realize how hard you’re falling for your boyfriend. Marriage, buying a house, kids, a dog… To me, there is a strict timeline to how things should go, and if they don’t turn out the way I wanted them to, I would be severely disappointed.
Did you also have (sometimes unrealistic) expectations? And even if you did, did you take a moment to lay them out in front of your partner?
Women often forget that our partners can’t read our minds, which is why it’s very useful to have clearly defined expectations, which are also verbally communicated.
4. “Do I see any pattern in my last relationship that is visible in past relationships as well?”
Be ready to get very analytical and think hard on this one. Have all your exes cheated on you? Were they the ones who always left you and never the other way around? Did they neglect you and never prioritize your needs over theirs?
This is just a small chunk of all the questions you can be asking yourself. Finding a pattern worth inspecting further is key to better understanding what’s lacking in your relationship. It also helps greatly in the healing process and distributing blame after the breakup.
5. “What were the good parts of the relationship?”
Let’s face it – it wasn’t all bad, all the time. Take a hard look at what actually worked in your relationship – you might want to experience these things again in the future. Maybe it was the ease of communication, the shared sense of humor, or even how much he helped you out around the house.
No matter what list you end up with, take note of these pleasant features. They are all worthy of bringing into your next relationship, as well as important for painting a better picture of the person you are ultimately searching for.
Of course, you’ll have trouble finding one person that fits into all these criteria, but it’s good to establish what makes you feel good. Which brings me to…
6. “What are the things I am not willing to compromise again when it comes down to my partner?”
Compromise is essential in a relationship. However, there are certain things you should never be willing to compromise in order to make the relationship work.
Things like your family, friends, self-worth, and interests should never be on the table when it comes to healthy compromise.
Your last relationship might have opened your eyes even further, leading you to discover other things that you personally aren’t comfortable compromising with. Take this as a lesson and remember what these are – that way no one can trample your sense of identity and core values ever again. And if they try – well, you’ll have a thing or two to say to them.
7. “What are the other important relationships I have going on for me?”
Breakups are the perfect catalyst for a short-lived depressive episode.
You might be predisposed to falling into the pits of despair and think that you will never find love again and that no one truly loves you, which is why you will die alone and lonely. Well, I might be exaggerating a bit, but you get my point.
The truth is – all of these thoughts are intrusive and completely untrue. You have plenty of good and healthy relationships going on for you in your life – friends, family, and others from your social circle. Try to turn to those relationships and find love and care, which will surely restore your faith in humanity again.
8. “How can I take better care of myself?”
Most of us feel pretty lost and hurt after a breakup. So much so that we forget how important it is to take proper care of ourselves in this difficult and emotional time.
Doing some self-reflection into what makes you feel better can be invaluable for your future relationships as well. Knowing how to take care of yourself is an important pillar in any relationship. You need to know how to manage your emotions and what relieves your stress, so this responsibility doesn’t fall to your future partner. It’s not anyone’s job to get involved in that anyway! While this might sound harsh, remember that you are responsible for your own wellbeing, which is why self-care is so tremendously important.
9. “What are the things I can focus on more now?”
Breakups aren’t all bad. They often free up a lot of your time, which can be invested in other things you deem worthy of your attention.
Think in the direction of hobbies, forgotten interests, hanging out with friends, and spending more quality time with your family. Maybe getting a dog. Or learning Italian.
My point is that you can invest all this spare time in things that contribute to your self-growth and make you better individual overall. So don’t waste your time crying over your ex for longer than you have to. Life is too short to not focus on the things that truly matter.
Blogger, dreamer, procrastinator, and lover of everything soul-touching. My mission is to make you laugh, provoke your thoughts, light up your day and inspire you to fall in love with life and yourself.