Men are pulling away because you are pushing them away?
I have a question for you:
How come every decent man you met on this Earth happened to be insecure, immature or scared by your female power?
Is it really SO hard to find and keep the right guy?
Let me answer the last one: No, it’s not!
Disclaimer: Harsh words here, love! Read only if you are ready to face the truth why men pull away from you.
Related post: 12 OF THE BIGGEST TURN OFFS FOR GUYS
To understand better what happens when men pull away, I would like to tell you a very familiar story…
A story about my friend – Jenny.
Jenny has a master degree in the desired field. She has the perfect job as an office manager in a big company as well. She is a good-looking, smart and ambitious young lady. And she is hungry for the love of the perfect man.
The perfect guy would be at least as smart as she is. He would be as ambitious and successful in what he does. He would have a good sense of humour and will see that Jenny is his perfect match very early in the relationship. Probably even in the first few dates. They will laugh, share stories and views of how life should be. One day they will both drive away towards the sunset with the “Just Married” sign on their car.
Sounds lovely, right?
Jenny believed that her success gives her the right to be picky with men. I would agree with that! After all, she has to find that decent, nice guy who will accept all the love she has to give, right?
And why would it be different?
A smart, successful woman Is looking for a smart, successful man. Just tick all the boxes and walk me to the altar…
But life’s weird…
Jenny had a problem finding that successful man with the smart look and the good sense of humour. There’s plenty of fish in the sea; he should be somewhere there, she thought.
Date after date and relationship after relationship, but nothing happened.
The good and smart men were running away. The ones that were staying were doing it because they were not as successful and smart as they pretended to be.
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Do you know Jenny? A small confession…
Jenny is not a real person. It’s a profile of the certain type of behaviour I explained.
I have at least a few friends that could be Jenny right now. Sadly, I was one of them as well.
Do you have Jenny’s profile too?
Well, welcome then.
Let me tell you what happens when men pull away.
Why they disappear?
You are pushing them away!
Yes, girl, you are pushing men away every single time there’s someone you really like and get to the first few dates.
And it will be my pleasure to tell you how.
Insanely obvious signs you are pushing men away
Ok, how can I prove you are the reason men pull away?
Let’s say you got the perfect “Jenny” profile base:
– you are smart
– you are successful at what you do, and you totally love it
– you are busy, and you love that too
– you know you are “a good catch” and don’t feel the need to prove it – why would you show off, he is the one that has to impress you.
– you are independent and don’t need anyone to take care of you
– you are happy with your single life, but of course, you want love too
– you perfectly know what you want in life…
– …and you perfectly know what you want in a man
– but when you start dating someone that matches all that… somehow he pulls away and slowly disappears
Yep, he pulls away because you push him away.
And has nothing to do with the fact that men are scared by strong and independent smart women. Nothing!
Well, there’s not even one smart guy on this Earth that would appreciate, value and marry a woman that doesn’t make him laugh and is not successful and happy with what she does.
So, where’s the problem then?
How come you ARE that type of a woman, and you date that type of men, but none of them sticks around long enough so you could seal the deal?
The tough love comes, so now’s the time to decide if you need it.
You think he pulls away but actually, he just needs a retreat… and then you go mad… and then he really pulls away!
Should I explain more?
You date for three weeks. Everything looks great, you’re both having the time of your lives. Until the point when one day he declines your invitation to go out on Saturday. He doesn’t really explain why. He says he needs time…!
“He needs TIME!”..?
That’s your code word for “he pulls away, I’ll never see him again. I did something wrong!”
You like him, so you ask what’s wrong. He explains that nothing’s wrong but he is not in a mood to go out this weekend…
Of course, something’s wrong!
So you keep asking, you even send an apology message, just in case you did something wrong. You spend the next few days going through a mini-nightmare…
By the end of the weekend, you either had sent him hundreds of texts trying to find out what’s wrong… Or even better – you already decided that if he’s able to disappear so easily and for so long, he’s not worth your attention. It’s obvious he cannot commit to something more serious.
When he calls you or text you on Monday morning, you are already miles away from the person you were last week. He doesn’t seem upset or doesn’t indicate what happened during the weekend and that drives you insane…
Do you recognise yourself somewhere in this story?
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He pulled away but he didn’t pull away
I strongly recommend you have a look at Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book by John Grey. It’s like a Bible for relationships. How would it help you understand the situation from our story above?
When men pull away, very often they just need a day or two off, sometimes – even a few hours. They need to meet with themselves, to think over a problem, to relax or just to be alone for a while. Nothing’s wrong with him or his feelings towards you. He just needs some time alone.
Very often that’s what men do after they realise their feelings for you are getting stronger. It’s like regrouping of their inner self…
That need for them to be alone you could feel when you want to stay home and read a book in he bed with a cup of hot chocolate.
But a man will never share their feelings in that way.
He will tell you he is not in a mood for anything for the next hour/day/weekend and will leave you hanging in the air, not knowing what happens.
If he says the same thing to another man or hears it from another man, everything will be fine – no one will ask any more questions. They understand each other.
He believes saying a short sentence should make the things clear to you too.
But he doesn’t understand the women… as well as you don’t really understand the men.
You need the long explanation, but he’s not used giving it and he doesn’t see the point of giving it.
However, when he closes himself in that “cave” of his (more about it in the book I mentioned), he really needs that “alone time”. After he had it, he will come back to you.
The same “alone time” you don’t give him or make him feel sorry about later on.
And that’s what pushes him away.
You are in a hurry to show him how amazing you are but instead, you are pushing him away
I know, he has to be aware of what he deals with.
He has to know that you have goals and dreams, and you are not on a hunt for a man to look after you.
He has to know you can handle yourself and you are happy where you are.
Yes, that’s true.
But he doesn’t have to know all that on the first date. Not even on the second one.
Let him find this out in a normal pace, during the courtship. Don’t throw in his face every single achievement you had for the last 15 years. He will pull away not because you are too good but because you are choking him with all that awesomeness. It would look like you love yourself a little bit too much. Maybe you could be perfectly happy all by yourself then…
He feels like a part of an investigation, and that pushes him away
I know, I’ve said a few times that you have to know what you’re dealing with. But asking him a question after question will do no good to you.
Dedicating every single date on the mission to get to know him as much as possible will make it weird.
First, if he loves to talk about himself, you will be drowned into the topic after topic and learn too much too fast will take the thrill away.
And if he doesn’t like to talk too much, your constant questions will violate his personal space, and he will disappear very fast.
Have a look at these innocent questions you could ask on the first dates and he won’t feel investigated.
You don’t engage too much with him, and he pulls away
It’s hard to imagine that a man could pull away because he didn’t get enough attention during the first few dates.
I mean, you agreed to go out with him. Few times. You went on the date ready to listen and talk. You didn’t act needy or insecure. You laughed at his jokes and let him express himself in the way he wants.
Nothing wrong so far.
However, how much did you engage yourself into this date?
How many times did you check your phone while he was talking?
How many times did you think about the office and how to solve the latest problem at work?
Did you have a moment when you felt too tired to be on another date that could end unhappily?
Were you 100% there, with him?
You see what I mean?
Men are human beings.
Just like us, women. They feel, and they have intuition as well. Maybe not as strong as ours, but everyone knows when they’ve been ignored. Even for a few minutes. And no one likes that.
No wonder he pulled away. You are tired of pointless dates but if you’re going to do it – do it well, girl. Be present. Involve yourself.
Looking for a commitment too fast makes men pull away
I know you are tired of spending the weekends alone or in the club with friends.
You need warmth and understanding. You need support and gentle but strong presence from a man by your side.
You date someone few times and you already have thoughts of romantic weekends away, meeting family and relatives, creating mutual friendships…
I was you once… ok, more than once.
I thought that the moment I realise I want that man in my life and he reacts well to my signals – it’s all set.
And that’s how I was pushing men away in the past.
Like it or not, men need more time to comprehend their feelings. Too fast ends badly for both of you.
A woman could fall in love with a guy, have a relationship with him for a week and then cry for a month after they break up.
We are so emotional. We are full of passion we want to spread and the moment we find someone willing to accept it… we drown him in it.
We are months ahead in our thoughts.
But men like to go through each step and make sure that they understand you and most importantly – you respect and accept them as they are.
Therefore, going too serious too fast will push men away. They need more time. And there’s nothing wrong with that. We are just different. We comprehend information and emotions in different ways. And that’s what makes the relationships so vivid and amazing. To be the same is boring.
Projecting your visions of life onto him will push him away
“All women deserve the same rights as men.”
“All men seem to have a problem with committing to a woman.”
You have a list of 54 things you want to do in the next four years and don’t mind sharing all of them with him.
Life is hard and your battles worth telling them on the very first dates…
I respect everything. I agree with all of it.
But going so strong at the very beginning of your courtship won’t lead you to the next date.
Your visions of the world deserve respect and explanation. They are amazing when the person on the other side knows you and understands you. And all of it would sound much more like a conversation and less like a shooting gun in his head.
Be respectful to him and be respectful to yourself – he might not see your point of view simply because you are not giving him the time to see it.
You are pushing men away because you try to change them
Recently I did a review on a book that was dealing with the same problem you have – why men pull away and why they disappear?
I read something fascinating in it regarding “accepting the unacceptable” and the real “unacceptable” things in men.
You see, there are things you will never accept in this world about a man. And that’s more than ok. I encourage you to find those things, list them on a piece of paper and never lose it. It could be an alcohol addiction, even smoking (depends on your views), a certain attitude, even certain views of life and culture.
However, there are things that are unacceptable, but you could accept them. They are harmless and don’t change the person in from of you. They just come with him and make him less attractive but more human. This could be manners on the table, even smoking (as I said – views), messiness or lack of cooking abilities… You could accept all that. It’s a choice which will affect your life but won’t drastically change it. You don’t like these things but if you could put up with them – do it.
Deciding if the man in front of you is worth it or not should be based on what’s “acceptable” and what’s “acceptably unacceptable”.
If you want to know more about that topic as well as why men disappear from your life, you could have a look at the review I did on Evan Marc Katz’ book Why He Disappeared. If you feel the connection between you and my “Jenny” profile, Why He Disappeared is a perfect match for you.
You are not sure if he’s worth it and he has to prove himself
I completely support you in this one.
No one deserves too much trust and after so many years of disappointment, it’s logical to have doubts, to be a little bit cold and unreachable…
Way too many times your heart was broken and your soul was used by the wrong men.
On the other hand, you would never go out again with someone that really doesn’t believe you and honestly, they show you have to work hard for their trust… and you just met them. In that situation you will be the one that will pull away, right?
So think of it like that: He doesn’t understand why you are suspicious towards him. You mentioned your heart was broken for more than a few times… But his heart was broken too. And yet, here you are, trying to send him signals he has to work on your trust. He didn’t even lose it, because you never had any trust in him.
Related post: WHY LOVE HURTS?
It’s devastating to trust and feel betrayed.
But your next love shouldn’t pay for the mistakes of your last love!
Or it will end before it even starts.
Did you recognise yourself in one of these situations?
Do you believe it’s still his fault to pull away?
Do you think men pull away because they are too scared of commitment with you?
If you didn’t recognise yourself in the situations – check this post about men pulling away in early stages of the relationship.