How to Find Yourself Again After Losing Yourself In a Relationship

I am not the type of person to learn from their mistakes easily. I’ve lost myself in most of my past relationships. And it wasn’t until I decided to hold onto myself regardless of my relationship status that I became happy with my partner (now my husband).

But it wasn’t easy, even like that.

The right question isn’t, ‘How to find yourself again after losing yourself in a relationship?’

It’s this one: How do you find yourself in a relationship when you and the other person are used to You being lost?

First, let’s define what losing yourself in a relationship looks like. How do you know if you’ve lost yourself?

Table of Contents:

• 5 Signs You’ve Lost Yourself in a Relationship
• How to Find Yourself Again After Losing Yourself in a Relationship

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5 Signs You’ve Lost Yourself In a Relationship

None of these signs I share with you intend to criticize your relationship with your partner. You might be lost in a relationship with your soulmate and the person you will spend your life with. I was lost in my relationship with my husband while we were still dating.

This post reflects on your inner world and your actions in this relationship so you can be yourself, enjoy every moment of this partnership, and watch it bloom to its full potential.

You give all your time to your partner

They need you; you are there for them. They don’t need you; you are on standby for them. You repeatedly give your free time, thoughts, and feelings to this person in your life.

It doesn’t matter that they didn’t even ask for it. You are almost obsessed with making them happy and often (meaning always) forget to pay attention to your feelings and thoughts too.

You ignore your personal needs in favor of your relationship

You don’t remember the last time you had a long bath, indulged in a pampering routine, read a book for hours, and binge-watched a favorite show.

I understand we all have the same 24 hours to spend daily. And when someone new comes into our life, we need to find space for them. Some of the things we used to fill our 24 hours will take the hit. We won’t have time for things the same way as before, especially if we believe we’ve found someone worth the sacrifice.

However, self-care, quiet moments of reflection, and time to enjoy activities we love are still important. And if you are missing on those, you’ve probably lost yourself in this relationship.

You haven’t seen your friends in a while

You don’t even remember when the last time you wasted hours of your weekend with your friends was. Of course, you text and interact every day. But the carefree strolls of the nearby shopping center or the park down the road are in the past.

Yes, that is a strong sign you’re lost in your relationship.

You are surprised by some decisions you make

You make decisions that don’t necessarily make you feel comfortable. For example, you are giving up on family time in favor of your relationship. You ignore work or school projects, or your performance has decreased because you do not prioritize your tasks the same way as before.

Your relationship must be an additional source of inspiration and strength to face life’s challenges, achieve your goals and make your dreams come true.

If those goals aren’t met, there is a strong chance you’ve messed up with your priorities and lost yourself.

You compromise before even being asked to compromise

It is a weird sign that you’re losing yourself in a relationship, but it is often the most obvious.

Choosing to compromise before the need for it arises is a high level of self-ignorance. Again, your partner might not even know what’s happening. But you are driven by fear of losing them, so you prefer to lose yourself instead.

How to Find Yourself Again After Losing Yourself in a Relationship

Now that we are sure you’ve lost yourself let’s find you.

One thing I will underline, once again, is that when you are yourself in your relationship, you give it a chance to thrive and grow into something even more beautiful. With that in mind, here are five ways to find yourself in a relationship.

Allow yourself to express feelings and emotions

Losing yourself means not being in touch with how you feel in different situations. Logically, the most crucial first step is to pay attention to your emotions and see if you express them openly.

For example, for the last few weeks, your partner keeps taking you to the same restaurant, bar, or place they love. You are okay with it… ish. You don’t like the food, it’s gloomy, the staff isn’t nice, or it makes you feel weird. Whatever the reason, you don’t like going there, but never say a word because your partner loves it.

However, your loved one has no clue you don’t like going to that place; they think you’re cool with it, so they drag you there every two days. You get frustrated but never say a thing… Well, it is time you start admitting stuff.

That could be a great first step in allowing You to be yourself in your relationship. Open your mind and heart and say what you think and feel. Your goal is to be happy, and if you are in a healthy relationship, your loved one will respect your feelings.

Prioritize all your relationships

You are in more than one relationship. You are in a personal relationship with yourself. You have a relationship with your bestie, colleagues at work, parents, and your dog. Every person who has their place in your heart is someone you are in a relationship with.

You can never prioritize all relationships the same way, but you can switch focus and gift some of your free time to others… Speaking of which…

Find time for yourself

It is time you take a day off from everyone. Or at least 5 hours of uninterrupted me-time. Do with it whatever you wish. As long as you don’t share it with anyone else but yourself, it is well-spent time. Do all the things you loved doing when you were single?

Watch a movie, take a bath, read a book, sleep, clean your house, DIY something, declutter, work on a project… you know better than me what to do.

Let go of the fears you will end up alone

The fear of staying alone forever doesn’t come only when you are single. In fact, I’ve noticed (by examining my own and my closest people’s behavior) that when we are in a relationship, the fear of ending up single, alone, and forgotten often grows.

We put so much of our value as a functional human being into the hands of that new relationship that the idea of breaking up (once again) and facing life alone (once again) could keep us awake for hours.

Regardless of how difficult that might be, letting go of that fear is the only way to be yourself again. 

Look at it from the “What’s the worst that could happen?” point of view. What is the worst? Being alone? Not fun, but is it truly the worst thing someone could endure?

Being realistic, painfully honest with yourself, and working on self-awareness, self-assessment, and self-confidence is key.

Relax and push the limits

Not being yourself means not showing You to the other person. You are hesitant to push their limits because they might not like it. But pushing your limits and smearing the boundaries you know you should maintain will do you bad favor.

One day your True Self is going to show up. And it is going to demand its time with you. It will draw lines, set boundaries and be rudely and unapologetically upset with you for ignoring it. And the person that will take that frustration would be your partner.

You don’t want that! You want to show yourself, be open-minded, open-hearted, honest, respectful, and give what you want to get.

And that is the best way to find yourself when you’ve lost yourself in a relationship.