We have all been there. One minute it seems like smooth sailing, his texts are flowing at a steady pace, you talk, you laugh, life is rainbows and roses, and the next – everything stops.
He stops sending you messages, the calls are non-existent, dates get spaced out further and further, and you are left with the feeling that your guy maybe has second thoughts about your relationship. That gives you shivers of panic, so you decide to keep him by your side by taking the lead role in the relationship.
You text him more, even if he doesn’t answer as often as you text. You call him and ask him if everything’s okay. Yeah, he claims nothing’s wrong, but that doesn’t mean anything to you. He pulls away, and you chase after him…
Today we talk about that last it of behavior: Why you should never chase a man and what to do instead?
Don’t worry. There is a perfectly plausible explanation for his behavior, and it has nothing to do with you.
Why Do Men Pull Away?
In his 2012 bestseller “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” Dr. John Gray uses a very spot-on metaphor to explain the inner workings of men. According to him, when it comes to intimacy…
“Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. A rubber band is a perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again.“
Dr. John Gray
Women have a very different way of thinking than men, which is why they have trouble comprehending why he would need to pull away periodically if he truly loves her.
If this is the case with you, don’t worry! Men do this instinctively – it’s certainly not because of something you said or did. This is just a part of his natural intimacy cycle.
It’s important to understand that men pull away to fulfill their own need for independence. This separation is gradual, but he will spring back to you once it reaches full flight, suddenly feeling the need for love and affection. Once this cycle is complete, he will be more motivated to give and receive the love he needs.
Dr. Gray also points out that sometimes men are likely to pull away because of something you said, especially when talking about emotions and feelings. Luckily, he says that this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s just how men are. All you need to do is keep it calm and let him come back to you.
There is a secret way to make a man come back to you even if he has already decided to cut you off his life. Click here to see a short video on what to do.
The Not So Pleasent Reality of Why He Pulled Away
Of course, not all men follow the same pattern.
They could have different reasons for pulling away, and one of them could be that he isn’t that much into you or you pushed him away somehow.
I’ve got a very detailed PDF on how exactly you might be pushing him away (plus a bonus of 12 turn-offs for men). If you’d like to get access to those (yes, for free), just click here to download them on your device.
5 Main Reasons Why You Should Never Chase A Guy
To understand why you should never chase a guy, you need to understand more insights into men’s psychology. Here are the five main reasons why a woman must never pursue a guy.
1. A man gives respect when respect is earned.
Remember what I said above about men taking you for granted? On a subconscious level, men like to be the chasers and not vice versa. If you are the one doing the chasing, he may lose his respect for you since you don’t have respect for yourself in his eyes.
It might not make sense for you at first (it didn’t to me either), but remember that men value their independence, and your chasing when he needs time for himself can suffocate him.
2. The level of appreciation is entirely different.
Think about it – if you get something without the need to fight or struggle for it, would you appreciate it as much?
Well, maybe you would, but men certainly aren’t built that way.
Men enjoy the hot and cold game of love, especially when things get colder from your side (not the other way around). IT makes them feel like they have to win you over, and that triggers their hero instinct. (if you aren’t familiar with that term, click here to learn more)
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3. You aren’t a challenge to him anymore.
Men like challenges – it’s a known fact.
When chasing after him, you are sending him the signal that you like him so much that you are consciously willing to disregard your pride and (in some cases) values to chase him. When you do that, there isn’t much mystery left about your feelings toward him, which is how he can quickly lose interest in putting effort into your relationship.
It’s essential to challenge men and give them peaks to conquer – even if you have to make something up along the way.
Let him open your jars, the door, take care of the spiders and help you out with whatever it may be you are struggling with.
Some women are okay with being the “do-everything-yourself” girl. If you recognize yourself in this description, you might even raise your eyebrows at this paragraph. However, letting a man take care of a few things instead of you isn’t giving him control over you. It’s about letting him get involved in your life. There’s a huge difference between being dependant on him and allowing him to be part of your world. Which one do you think is the important one?
4. He might not like you enough to chase after you.
And here’s the unpleasant reality of it all.
If you feel like you need to start chasing to save your relationship, this should raise some red flags straight away. Most of the time, if he doesn’t pay any attention to you and doesn’t take your wishes into account, it might be because he’s just not that into you.
Men will always, ALWAYS chase you if they are without a doubt infatuated with you. Keep in mind the points we established above. Men like to pursue not only for the sake of pursuit (although they get some kick out of it) but also because of the prospect of winning and getting a reward. In this case, the reward is… well… you.
Men also like to chase because they could be afraid to lose you. If you are out of your man’s focus and priority list, this is an obvious sign that you should consider ending things with him. It might hurt at first, and you may be reluctant to do so, but you only avoid the obvious reality. Trust me, coming from a girl who’s been through the same situation, it’s better to turn inward to yourself and ask, “Do I really deserve to be treated this way?”
Spoiler: No, you don’t.
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5. She diminishes her value in his eyes, and that affects her self-esteem.
Here’s why you should never chase a man!
You see… It is all about You!
Going after a man is almost sure to cause a negative impact on your self-esteem. What better way to sow the seed of doubt than a man who pushes you back and doesn’t want you? You might get frustrated and start blaming yourself that you aren’t good enough. This toxic way of thinking will eat you up from inside and leave you unhappy and out of balance for quite some time.
Again, speaking from experience, chasing a guy I was super in love with never ended in more chemistry and sparks between us, leading to him deciding to stay with me. His lack of validation and indifference made me highly insecure in both my physical and mental image.
It’s important to remember that you are a unique individual with many good qualities. Just because one man can’t appreciate them doesn’t mean that another won’t. So keep your head held high, pass through the emotions you need to feel, and trust that there is another man around the corner who is much more worthy of your love and affection.
Do This Instead of Chasing a Man Who Pulled Away
Knowing all the important reasons why you should never chase a man still doesn’t mean you should completely let him go. Especially if you believe there is a spark between you too.
Here are three things you could do the moment you feel the urge to chase after him.
Give him time
Everyone needs some alone time, and the more you push him to get it over, the more he will need it. Give him the time, but don’t just stay and wait for him to call. Go out and have fun. Have dinner with your girls, go on a weekend trip with your sister, go shopping with your mom. Whatever you do, don’t stalk him on social media to see what he’s doing instead of being with you.
Chances are he will simultaneously want to be part of the fun life you have and will approach you fast.
Don’t wait for him too long, though
There is “alone time,” and there is “he forgot about you” time. If he’s been distant for a week or so, and you are supposed to be in a relationship, I wouldn’t just leave him to believe he could act however he likes.
However, instead of approaching him with thunders and storms (something he might expect), trigger his hero instinct and see where it goes from there.
Find someone to chase you instead
If the first two steps didn’t work, you have one option left only – live your life away from him. You never want to compromise with your inner peace for too long. If he isn’t bothered to spend time with you, he shouldn’t have the option to spend time with you anymore (if you know what I mean).
Conclusion on Why You Should Never Chase a Man If He’s Pulling Away
He pulls away, but it might be just his natural need to retrieve to his man cave. Respect it. I bet you had many times when you just needed some time for yourself to watch Gossip Girls and care for no one but yourself.
Respect and encourage him to get that time for himself. However, don’t sit and do nothing while he has a solo party. Live your life and make the most of your time as well.
And then push him to make a move – through triggering his hero instinct. It works in 95% of the cases, but if you end up in the 5% – he isn’t worth it, girl. You have a life to live, and it doesn’t include chasing a guy who doesn’t want to be with you.
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Why You Should Never Chase a Man If He’s Pulling Away (Do This!)
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