Why relationships fail, and could you do something about a broken relationship?
What are the main reasons couples break up? Are you threatened by a separation? Why aren’t you happy in your relationship? Why do relationships fail easily nowadays, and could you do something to save yours?
I hope you know how serious these questions are.
If you’re looking for a deeper understanding of your relationship and dissection of what could be wrong with it, look no further. In this post, I’m taking my time to explain why relationships end fast nowadays, why they don’t function well and what could be done about it.
Why do relationships always fail?
First of all, relationships don’t always fail. And honestly, you only need one relationship to work well for you, don’t you?
Second of all, before I dive into the many possible reasons couples break up, let me mumble a little bit about life and the lessons we need to learn about love.
I met my fiance while trying to get over a devastating breakup. It took him a while to convince me to get into another relationship, and it took me even longer to be able to trust him.
But I am happy things went this way as if I didn’t have awful experiences behind my back I would never be able to appreciate him and what we have now.
Relationships fail not to break our hearts. Relationships fail to help us find ourselves and grow.
Yet, running towards the end of a relationship isn’t a nice thing.
So what is the reason most of the couples around us split, get divorced, and separate from each other (sometimes without knowing the real reasons)?
Reasons Relationships fail and How to Do It Right
Yet, I will not only give you the reasons relationships fail easily nowadays but also explain how to deal with each one of the problems.
If you spot that your relationship has one of these problems, you will also have short navigation on how to deal with the problem.
1. We Are Not willing to work on the relationship
Not putting in the work in the relationship is our trademark in the Millenials’ world. I bet you’ve come across at least one cute photo of an elderly couple that has the text: The difference between the relationships now and the relationships before is that when something was broke, we were used to fixing it and not throw it away.
Isn’t that profound?
When our phone breaks, we run and get a new one. If our shoes don’t do the job – we go and get new ones. We aren’t used to fixing things anymore but replace them. And that became a bad habit we transmitted into our relationships.
We don’t want to change because we’re told we should be loved for who we are. And that’s true, but sometimes, we need to modify ourselves to match perfectly with the other person. And if a change makes us happier, why not doing it?
How to start putting in the work in your relationship?
Let’s start thinking of how to fix things instead of planning when to break up with our partner? Conflicts and misunderstandings are part of every partnership, and the way we deal with them is what makes or breaks a relationship.
2. Relationships fail because we don’t compromise
I’ve talked about my neighbours and their secret for a long-lasting relationship on this blog. They are the sweetest elderly couple, and they’ve been together for over 50 years. When I asked them what’s their secret for a happy marriage, they both said “Compromises” at the same time.
So, compromises are the secret ingredient of a long-lasting relationship, and the lack of compromises is the reason why so many relationships fail fast.
If we’re unwilling to compromise about the little everyday things, our relationships are doomed.
Why is making compromises so hard?
Because it challenges our ego, compromising on one thing means we agree to lose. If it’s not a win, then it’s a loss. The desire to always be right and to win in any situation is a painful experience for our partners, and it’s simply selfish.
How to learn to compromise?
You also need to know that some compromises are impossible. Draw the line between your possible and impossible compromises and think well before you decide not to back off.
If your partner wants to have children, but that’s not in your life plans compromising with it could lead you to a huge conflict with yourself. That’s an impossible compromise to make.
But if your partner wants to have a dog and you don’t – you want to reconsider your decision. That’s something you might be willing to compromise with.
Also, stop thinking that when you compromise with something that means you lost. Could there be a loss if your relationship is thriving and you are both happy?
3. Because of the Lack of devotion
We often connect devotion with spirituality and religion. Those are the life-long commitments we make and usually never break.
With all that said…
Have you noticed how people nowadays devote less and less to each other?
We’re in a hurry to please everyone around, and by the end of the day, the only thing we could handle is warm food and a soft pillow.
But devoting ourselves to one another is another secret of a healthy and happy relationship. Seeing our partnership as something sacred, we need to hold close to our hearts is as important as any other aspect of life.
How to devote yourself to the relationship
Devotion is being loyal to your partner and your relationship and being determined to make things work. To devote yourself to the relationship means to spend time together, to make it a priority, to show love and respect for each other. It also means to accept each other as who you are, to spend quality time together and… to close the phone and actually listen when they talk.
4. We get Bored and Lose The Romance
OK, sooner or later, the romance might try to escape. Your weekdays are devoted to working and prepping some dinner, and the weekends are left for cleaning and seeing a few friends.
Slowly you stop looking for ways to romance your partner, and you forget that once there was passion between the two of you.
Your relationship fails, and it’s not because you don’t love each other.
It’s because you forgot how to show that love.
Bringing the romance back
If you’re bored, don’t try to blame it on the lack of passion and feelings for your loved one. Try and go out on a date, just like in the beginning.
I have a list of 7 ways to romance your man that won’t cost you any money.
Also, try to improve the way you spend your morning and make sure you do these 5 things as a couple every morning.
If you’re up for.a short relationship challenge, I’ve got an awesome 14-day challenge that will bring the romance back.
Don’t give up so easily on each other just because you’re bored.
5. We don’t trust each other
I know you aren’t surprised by seeing that the lack of trust promises a broken relationship.
The four main pillars of every relationship are trust, commitment, respect, and effective communication. If you’re unable to trust your partner or they experiencing difficulties in trusting in you, you might as well say you’re a step away from a separation.
We give our trust away at the beginning of the relationship, and we simply risk losing it all.
6. We Try To Change Each Other
That’s not a surprise now, is it?
It’s well known that once in the relationship, many partners try to change each other along the way. She doesn’t like the way he handles the house chores; he isn’t OK with her stressing over everything. They both start nagging about the things the other must change so sooner or later that change happens
But forced change could last only for a while. One day the “changed one” wakes up and realises he isn’t that OK with the “New Me” and blames the other for forcing him to become someone else.
They fight, the relationship is gone.
How to stop trying changing the other?
First of all, let’s make it clear – change is inevitable.
Yet, it could only happen from inside. We change because we want to, not because someone told us we should. Even if your partner suggests you make some amendments to your personality, you still want to be sure you’re OK with it.
We always evolve, slowly, but surely. Yet, changing our views, values, and ideas for the sake of someone else’s happiness and regardless of how uncomfortable that makes us feel is a temporary change.
If you’re continually trying to “improve” your partner and tell him in how many ways he could “be better,” be sure you are ready to be with a different person than the one you met at the beginning of the relationship.
We are who we are, and improving ourselves should only come from the inside.
7. Relationships Fail Because of Stress
The way we deal with stress causes diseases, mental issues and yes – relationship failures.
Stress by itself, doesn’t exist. It’s what we do and how we feel about ourselves and our lives that creates stress.
And many relationships fail quickly when they have to deal with a lot of stress. We all act differently when we’re stressed, we panic, shout, get sleep deprived, overeat (or not enough), we get cranky and snap at other people. We aren’t ourselves anymore.
Some people cannot handle the way the other person is dealing with stress.
Others cannot agree with having a stressed and panicked partner in their life 7 days a week.
Many partners try to teach each other how they should feel about a stressful situation and force a solution that isn’t OK with the other.
How to protect your relationship from stress
Mainly because stress is inevitable.
But what you can do is to try and deal with the issues in the best possible way. Stress makes us nervous and snappy. By finding the right way to manage it, we can actually improve our mood and maybe, just maybe, find a solution to a problem peacefully.
One of the main reasons we stress is when what happens on the outside doesn’t match what happens on the inside. If you experience a conflict between who you are and what you do (or what happens with you), you are likely to stress over it. Therefore, the best way to deal with stress is to find that balance between your inner and outer world.
But we cannot always control the situation!
Yet, we can control ourselves. We can control our thoughts, and our thoughts can control our feelings.
Also, we can control our focus and attention. By focusing on something else, on the present, and things that give us peace and joy, we automatically send stress away.
And guess what, that could actually save your relationship from falling apart.
8. Poor communication Breaks Every Relationship
Communication is a skill that not all of us have mastered.
Poor communication is one of the top reasons relationships fail.
Either it’s because we’re afraid of sharing our feelings and thoughts with our partner or because they refuse to listen and understand, communication issues are the deal-breaker in many of our relationships.
What should you do to improve your communication skills?
If you agree that communication is a skill, then let’s deal with it as such. Educate yourself on it, learn how you could express yourself in a way the other understands.
Both of you practice effective communication every day. It gets easier and easier, I promise.
Some of the best sources to help you improve your communication is this book.
9. We Aren’t Compatible
Relationship compatibility is hard to track for a relatively long time. Sometimes it’s obvious, but many times, if we match some of the basics, we forget to examine further.
Different family values, different goals, and visions of life, different alcohol habits, a different religion, or traditions – it could all be an example of relationship incompatibility.
Could you fix it?
I am against changing something that isn’t broken.
Being different isn’t wrong, and if your “different” doesn’t resonate with the other’s “different,” maybe you should try to look for someone else. You shouldn’t force anyone to change their values, goals, dreams, habits, religion (and so on) because of you.
And no one should ask you to do it either.
10. We have too many Expectations
Yep, now we step into the deep.
Why do relationships fail? Why do we suffer after a relationship has failed? Why do we argue with each other? Why do we suffer from poor communication?
It’s all about our expectations and their mismatch with reality.
Have you ever wonder why we’re always so happy at the beginning of our relationships and so miserable at the end?
In the beginning, we don’t know what to expect, and we go with the flow; we accept everything and enjoy it because it’s new and unknown. At some point, we start thinking that we “know” who we’re dealing with, and we start expecting things from them.
We expect them to do things in a certain way, to talk on certain topics, to have such and such opinion. We expect them to treat us in a specific way and get frustrated if they don’t meet our expectations.
One of the best books I’ve ever read on the matter is called The Soulmate Experience by Mali Apple and Joe Dunn.
Here’s what they say about expectations: “We think that meeting our needs is our partner’s responsibility. We often expect this one person to meet a wide assortment of needs: physical, psychological, financial, social, sexual, spiritual. But the need for fulfilment isn’t a healthy foundation or a relationship.”
11. Not able to argue in the correct manner
All couples fight.
Yet, not all of them survive after a fight.
People yell at each other, lose their temper, hit and break things, say nasty things and then expect to be forgiven.
But can you forgive someone who changed in front of your eyes to the point they discussed you?
How to fight fair?
Many relationships fail not because the partners have misunderstood, but because they don’t know how to handle an argument. Fighting the right way is possible but very hard.
I must say that my partner and I haven’t had even one fight. Yet, we have had many misunderstandings, and we’ve argued many times.
How do we do it?
There are a few rules of the arguments we both follow, but the main ones are these: never shout at each other and never go to sleep angry at each other. Also, if one of us needs some space, the other will respect it and go out of the room.
It’s hard to leave a fight when you’re so pissed that smoke is coming out of ears.
But what if that’s the attitude that could actually improve and save your relationship?
12. We Can’t forgive or forget or let go
If you are with someone for a longer period, they will hurt you.
And you will hurt them too.
Most of the time, it will be by accident, but it won’t make it less painful for the other.
But it’s our duty to forgive if we want to stay together.
Too many relationships fail because the partners aren’t willing to forgive and let go of the past. And in every fight, they pull the skeletons out of the closet and start throwing them at each other.
Sooner or later, our hearts and minds are cluttered with skeletons we cannot let go of and we realise it’s time to end the relationship.
How to forgive and let go?
Letting go is a process that’s more internal than external. Sometimes, our partner hurts us only once, but every time we think and argue about that “one time” we get hurt again and again. We experience the same frustration, pain, anger, and all this tears us apart.
The process of forgiveness isn’t easy, but by going through it, we will not only improve our relationships but will heal and liberate ourselves.
13. We Disrespect
Lack of disrespect is a way too common issue nowadays.
We’ve stopped respecting the other’s privacy, right of choice and right of disagreement.
Disrespect is something we should learn at a very early age and one of the things we shouldn’t forgive and let go of.
Be sure you are aware of the signs of disrespect in the relationship, so you know what you’re dealing with.
How to make your partner respect you more?
While there are many ways to gain respect in people’s eyes, the respect from your loved one is something that should exist since the beginning of your relationship.
Here’s what you should do if your partner disrespects you.
14. We struggle with Money Issues
Half of the divorces happen because of money issues.
Money is something we shouldn’t mix with love, but somehow we always do.
Once, I had a boyfriend (just for a few months) who was working part-time only and was making so less money that he didn’t have enough to eat properly. The reason was that he was studying and claimed he didn’t have time for a full-time job. His rented place was in a terrible condition, and he was living in misery. I felt pity for him and tried to help. He was coming home often to eat and sleep. I didn’t expect anything from him until some questions started tickling my brain over and over again.
First of all, he was studying, but he was skipping a year at university, so he had the time to get a better job. Second of all, there were better paid part-time jobs he would’ve chosen from. But he didn’t.
I tried to convince him that there was a better way of dealing with the situation (yes, I wanted to change him) but realised he wasn’t looking for it. When I told him that I don’t feel OK looking after both of us financially while he had enough time to work something else and contribute, I was claimed as greedy and selfish. I realised we had different values and our incompatibility was the reason to break up.
How to deal with money issues
You can deal with your money issues. You cannot deal with someone else’s money issues.
We are all adults responsible for our well-being. If you are in a relationship, be sure the other’s financial situation fits you. Be sure you have the same vision of how money should be made and spend. If you don’t share the same money values, then you must be willing to compromise.
Unfortunately, money can and will be a reason for many relationships to fail.
I really enjoyed reading First Comes Love, Then Comes Money by Bethany and Scott Palmer. I would recommend it to any couple, no matter if they have money issues or not. It’s something you just want to know about yourself and your partner.
15. We move with a different pace
She wants to be in an exclusive relationship; he hesitates about it.
He wants her to meet his mom; she thinks it’s too soon.
She wants to move in together; he likes his man cave and isn’t ready to give it up.
He wants to marry her; she isn’t sure about her feelings.
Moving with a different pace is one of the most popular reasons relationships fail. Not willing to wait for the other person’s feelings to evolve or not leaping to the next level are both issues we all struggle with.
Sometimes things aren’t going as fast or as slow as we wish, and this might offend the other or bring doubts between the partners.
How to fix it?
This is a delicate issue that doesn’t always need to be fixed.
First, be sure it’s a different pace and not different values and expectations in the relationship.
Then, work with facts. If you’ve been dating for a month, it’s OK to ask for exclusivity, but it’s not OK to move in together. If you were together for three or more months, it’s more than okay to know each others’ family, but it might be too early to propose marriage.
Unfortunately, this is a problem every couple should deal with differently. But I would say that giving time and space to the other to coop with their feelings is healthy. It’s also healthy to not get stuck in life because someone doesn’t want to evolve into the next stage.
Help! My relationship is failing!
I’ve got a helpful list of resources to help you deal with a failing relationship.
- The Bonding Stage: How to survive Stage 3 of the relationship when men actually fall in love. See the video here.
- His Secret Obsession – How to trigger a man’s Hero instinct – See the video here.
- The Relationship Rewrite Method – How to get back into the relationship that’s worth fighting for. See the video here.
- The 5 Love Languages – How to learn your loved one’s love language and have a thriving relationship. See the review of the book or listen to it for free on Audible.
- Mindful Relationship Habits – 25 Relationship habits to embrace your love and keep it thriving. Listen for free on Audible.
More posts related to why relationships fail
- 7 REASONS WHY YOU AREN’T HAPPY IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
- 17 SIGNS HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE
- 10 SIGNS OF DISRESPECT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
- 7 SMART WAYS TO MAKE HIM STAY AND COMMIT TO YOU
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