What are the signs he is gaslighting you? And what does gaslighting even mean?
Here’ the thing…
As humans, it’s normal for us to second-guess our memory from time to time. However, how do you know when your memory really fails you or you are being subjected to a deeper, intricate form of manipulation? If your partner constantly makes you doubt what you do, say, and question your thoughts and feelings, chances are he is gaslighting you.
Gaslighting is a tricky form of discreet manipulation that is hard to catch. Gaslighters lie in order to distort your sense of reality and shake up your sanity. When done consistently and remains unaddressed, it can cause you to stop trusting your own instincts and gut feeling. Because of how serious of an issue gaslighting is, you need to be aware of the warning signs to protect yourself from getting seriously hurt.
Here is my deep dive on the topic of gaslighting, which hopefully can help you pinpoint the red flags associated with this form of emotional abuse.
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What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological and emotional manipulation, through which a person makes someone else question their sanity, memories, or reality. People that are subject to gaslighting often doubt and question themselves, feel confused, anxious, and have a distrust toward their perception.
The term “gaslighting” was coined by the 1938 play and 1944 film “Gaslight”, in which a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she is insane, by tampering with her gas lights and convincing her she is hallucinating.
Gaslighting often occurs gradually, which makes it difficult for people to detect its presence. It can happen in any form of relationship, be it professional, personal or parental. It can be classified as a form of mental abuse, as it can have devastating consequences to a person’s mental health if the gaslighter is someone they have an emotional connection to. Be it intentional or not, you should be wary of the signs that someone is gaslighting you before it becomes too late.
Why do men like to gaslight? Gaslighting and Narcissists!
Research has discovered a correlation between people’s tendency to gaslight others, and narcissistic personality disorder. Researchers have also established that this psychological disorder is more prevalent in men, rather than women.
No matter what gender the person is, if they have a narcissistic personality disorder, they believe that the world should and does revolve around them, given that they are extremely important. They are so egocentric and self-absorbed that their interest in others borders on zero unless they can serve a certain purpose to them. These people lack empathy and are completely disinterested in understanding what the other person feels, thinks, or aspires to be. In their head, the world is their kingdom and they are the main character. Everyone else around is just extras, existing solely to support their own greatness.
There is nothing that a narcissist craves more than attention and praise. They think extremely highly of themselves and their future and have no trouble resorting to manipulation as a means to achieve their goals.
A narcissist is:
- Extremely sensitive to criticism to the point of lashing out
- Expecting of special treatment and consideration for no particular reason
- Skilled at using others for their personal gain
- Highly critical and judgemental of others
- Easily envious and jealous
- Full on their sense of self-importance and worth
It’s important to remember that not every gaslighter suffers from a narcissistic personality disorder. They can just be malicious, insensitive, or have a cruel sense of humor. No matter what the reasoning behind their actions is, here are five tell-tale signs that someone is gaslighting you, and you probably need to run.
5 Signs He Is Gaslighting You
Even though it’s important to distinguish between different types of gaslighting (which are withholding, countering, trivializing, etc), that’s a whole different topic on its own. This article will take a look at several important signs that you can keep your eye out for, which are pivotal in telling if your boyfriend is gaslighting you or not.
1. He lies to you
A sure sign that you are dealing with a gaslighter is when you catch them denying things that you know are true. A gaslighter wouldn’t think twice to tell you that they never said certain things (or did certain things) even if you saw them do the deed with your own two eyes. By doing that, the gaslighter wants you to question your sense of perception and start thinking something in the lines of “Maybe it was just my imagination.” or “My eyes must have deceived me.”
Keep in mind that if he is gaslighting you, he will never back down from his story or admit that he is lying to you. Even if you provide him with proof that discredits his tale, he will still stand behind his story and try to put the spotlight on you.
If you aren’t quite sure you saw him do that thing he denies doing, try to consult with a close friend of yours – maybe they saw something that can help you out. Getting validation from a third person can be particularly helpful to bring you back onto reality and ground you even further.
2. He minimizes your feelings
Gaslighters are well known for trivializing their victim’s emotions.
They might say things like: “You’re overreacting”, or “Calm down, it wasn’t that big of a deal.” Even though some people are less sensitive by nature and have trouble relating to the feelings of others, gaslighters have a full understanding of this spectrum of emotions and are skilled at manipulating them.
By minimizing your feelings with statements such as the ones outlined above, the gaslighter tries to brush off your feelings as something irrelevant and communicate with you that your thoughts are also in the wrong. This toxic behavior can have catastrophic consequences to your self-esteem and can impact your sense of self-perception dramatically.
Question yourself – does your boyfriend fail to acknowledge your thoughts and feelings most of the time? Does he make you feel misunderstood, insecure, and underappreciated?
When you try to bring up these talking points with him, does he get defensive and try to put the blame on your unreasonable way of thinking? If the answer to most of these is yes – chances are he is gaslighting you.
3. He never takes the blame
Gaslighters are never at fault for anything. Whatever happens, they always find a way to twist the storyline in a way that you are to blame for whatever has happened. The magnitude of the incident doesn’t matter – there is always a way in which you managed to mess up.
You might have noticed how toxic and unjust this behavior is. Perhaps you even tried to talk to your partner about it and how it makes you feel.
However, no matter how gently you start the conversation or how firmly you stand your ground, your gaslighter will always make the conversation take such a turn, in which you are responsible for the behavior in the first place. They might even go as far as saying that they wouldn’t be acting this way if you hadn’t provoked them or forced their hand.
In the end, the fault is always with you. You are the only person responsible for being treated badly by them because, by some weird logic, you deserve everything you get from this person. The truth is – you don’t. Never let anyone try to convince you otherwise.
4. He discredits you
Gaslighters are adept at spreading gossip about you behind your back. They are such skillful manipulators that they can start rumors by pretending they are concerned about your wellbeing and are in fact deeply worried about you. This can deceive people into believing their good intentions and trusting that they have your best interest at heart.
As a result, the people in your social circle can start questioning your emotional stability and mental health.
Because of how naturally convincing many gaslighters are, their listeners typically have no trouble siding with them or believing their story.
Keep in mind that this manipulation goes both ways. Your gaslighting beau can lie to you about what people around you think of you. He may make up things on the go how your friends are talking behind your back or aren’t to be trusted.
Oftentimes this couldn’t be further from the truth but the gaslighter will do anything to plant the seed of doubt in your heart.
When faced with such a predicament, always try to double-check with the people in your social circle. Compare stories and notes to see if you both have the same reality in check – if there are big deviations in your tales, chances are there is something very, very wrong in your romantic relationship.
5. He rewrites history
Gaslighters are skilled storytellers. So skilled in fact that they often have no issue retelling stories by tweaking some key points. Being pathological liars, their words should always be perceived with caution and taken with a grain of salt. In their stories, they are always the hero and the story serves their favor.
For example, your partner tripped you and caused you to drop a can of milk but when you revisit this moment, according to them, “you tripped on your own on one of the kitchen tiles”. In this story, they just happened to be nearby when the incident occurred.
Given how convincing they are, you will likely start questioning your own memory and wonder if this isn’t really what happened. Once you start to second-guess yourself and the confusion skins in, you have fallen into your gaslighting boyfriend’s trap.
How To Deal With Gaslighting
It’s important to know how to effectively deal with gaslighters. If you ignore this behavior for too long and fool yourself into thinking that it’s not a big deal, it can seriously damage your emotional health, relationships, and overall life quality.
Here are 5 tips on how to regain control.
1. Identify you are indeed being gaslighted
Gaslighting is often very subtle, which is why it may require you to pay close attention to your partner’s actions.
You can refer to the signs I outlined above and look for other repeated patterns of manipulation. Don’t disregard your feelings, despite your partner minimizing them, and pay attention to which of their actions make you feel bad.
2. Collect evidence
When you document your interactions with your gaslighter, you are protecting yourself from confusion and doubting your reality.
Taking screenshots of texts, making voice memos of conversations and even videotaping them can help you go back and check the truth, should the situation require this. Knowing the truth will give you more confidence to stand up to your abuser and ask for help, as you know you are not in the wrong.
3. Reach out to others
When dealing with a gaslighter, it’s important to involve other people, so they can verify your story and give you reassurance.
By giving you their input, people from your social circle can make you feel more relaxed and reinforce your belief that you aren’t crazy or deranged. Make no mistake, involving a person in your situation isn’t the same as asking them to pick sides. You are merely asking them to listen objectively to what’s happening and provide you with their unbiased, neutral input.
4. Prioritize self-care
While taking care of your physical and emotional wellbeing won’t address your gaslighting issues directly, this can do much good to better your overall state of mind. Gaslighting can be so taxing on the mind and body that it can cause you to lose pleasure in even your most favorite hobbies.
By taking the time to indulge in relaxation and things that make you genuinely happy, you can improve your mental well-being, which can help you greatly in the long run. Physical exercising should also not be underestimated, as it can help you sleep better, release tension and disperse negative emotions. You need all the strength you can get to battle your gaslighter, so taking proper care of yourself is a must. Don’t neglect it.
5. Seek professional help
In its extreme forms, gaslighting can be serious and even abusive. If you find yourself in a situation where you struggle to cope by yourself, speaking with a professional can do much good to steer you in the right direction. Don’t think you need to handle everything alone.
Chances are someone has gone through what you are going through right now, which means that professionals can give you the best possible help out of anyone.
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5 Signs He Is Gaslighting You And 5 Things To Do If He Does
An aspiring wordsmith with a gift of understanding the intricacies of human relationships. When she is not busy wrapping up her Master’s degree in Social and Organisational Psychology, Snezhina likes reading, learning new languages, and capturing moments with her camera.
