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What Should You Do When a Man Is Confused About What He Wants

He Doesn’t Know What He Wants and Now You Have To Deal With It

Why is he confused about you? You were at the beginning of a promising relationship. You were having fun, and you genuinely thought he is a great guy, good boyfriend material, and you might actually stick together for longer.

Yet, suddenly, he starts pulling away and says he is confused about his feelings and doesn’t know what he wants. Is it possible for a man to be so in love that he gets confused about his feelings? How do you know if he is unsure what he wants and not just playing with you?

More importantly, should you stay and wait for him to figure things out, or should you just leave him behind and search for someone who knows his feelings for you?

You are hurt, probably more confused than him, and are unsure if you did something wrong that pushed him away.

What should you do when a man is confused about what he wants?

My previous relationship was with a man who goes under the category of “confused about his feelings” and “scared of his love for me”… or so I thought.

We had a very strong beginning, amazing chemistry, and the butterflies were nesting in my stomach for months after we met. We loved spending time together, he asked me to move in with him, and once I did… he started being distant and defendant of his space.

On one side, I was blaming him for letting me into his world and then occasionally shutting me out of it. I was hesitant regarding his hot-cold behavior. One day everything would be just fine, and on the next one, he would ignore me and shut himself in another room for many hours in a row. It was like he was hiding from me because I was too much. I might have been…

Yes, he was confused about his feelings, and we both made rushed decisions that didn’t lead us to anything good.

Now, that’s behind my back, and I am with a wonderful man who knew his feelings from week two after we met, and we will soon celebrate our fifth anniversary together.

Yet, I still know how you feel when you have to deal with a man who doesn’t know if he wants to be with you or not. And I am here to tell you of a few options that might have never crossed your mind.

But first things first…

When a Man Is Confused… From a Man’s Point of View


You, as a woman, know that it’s rear you are confused about your feelings … at least not for longer than a few days. You are usually eager to figure things out and have clarity. You know if you like a guy or not. You know if you want to be with him or not.

You might get confused about his true intentions towards him, and you might think you are with him for fun and suddenly fall in love… But 90% of the time (maybe even more), you are very aware of the way you feel about a man. Moreover, you also know what you want from a man, even if you change your mind once or twice.

Is it the same with guys? I asked my fiancé to explain the man’s point of view of being confused about having feelings and if it’s true that some men don’t know what they want.

I will rephrase him and summarise his smirk in the following: Men always know what they want. The confusion comes from the fact that what he wants isn’t what you offer or what you want. He doesn’t know what he wants because he needs time to figure out if what he gets is worth the price he has to pay.

What does he mean by “the price a guy pays”?

A price a man pays to be with you is the price of the time he spends with you, the emotional investment he does every time he interacts with you, all of the conversations, attention, and care he gives in a relationship.

He also pays a price by giving up on some things he loves. For example, to be with you, he might have to give up on a few nights out with his friends or reduce alcohol because you aren’t a fan of his drunk self, probably reduce the time he spends playing video games, and so on.

He measures that against what he gets and the way he feels when he is with you. Does he receive the understanding, the respect, and the appreciation he believes he deserves? Are you matching in the bedroom? Are you happy with him? Do you demand more than he can give you at this point? Is what you want too much for him to answer with?

Men are never confused about what they want… except…

Men are never confused about what they want but are confused about what they have to pay to get what they want.

It also comes down to the different stages a man goes through. He might be in a stage of life where he is focused on having fun, meeting friends, and exploring whatever the world offers.

If you meet a man at this phase of his life, he will be able to invest a little bit of time, the bare minimum of feelings, and a lot of physical energy… if you get what I mean. He knows what he wants; it’s just that it is not what you want.

After that, a man gets into a phase where he wants to prove himself to the world, his parents, his boss, and himself. He aims for growth and success. He is hungry for being better and getting more from this world. His energy is focused on building his personality, improving his life, and shaping a career.

If you meet him at this point, he will be a serious guy who invests a little bit of energy, more feelings, and limited time in his relationship with you.

He already knows he wants to have a family one day, and he needs a good woman by his side. But he also knows he has to provide for that future family, so his focus goes toward building that stability. He knows what he wants, and that isn’t a relationship that distracts him from his goals at this moment.

The next phase of a man’s life is when he is somehow satisfied with his place under the sun and is ready to build a family. This is a guy who will invest a lot of feelings, energy, and time into a relationship with you. He won’t play around with you and will be clear with what he wants. You will have zero doubts regarding his feelings for you. He knows what he wants.

When a Man Is Consufed About What He Wants He Is Actually Having an Internal Battle Between Two Things He Wants

He wants to have fun and explore the world (phase one), but he also likes you and wants to be with you.

However, he also understands you are in it for the long run, he has to invest a lot, and he has to give up a lot. That isn’t something he is ready for. The two things he wants are You and his freedom. Therefore, he isn’t sure which one to pick, so he lets you know he doesn’t know what he wants.

He wants a career and success (second phase) but also likes you and wants to be with you. However, being in a serious relationship with you means his focus will be somehow taken away from his goals. He has to invest time in your relationship, and that time is time he takes away from his work and hustle. He isn’t ready for it. He wants two things: you and his focus to crush his goals. Therefore, he tells you he doesn’t know what he wants.

That was the problem with my ex. He wanted to work on his music career; I wanted commitment and family. He didn’t have the time for something like that.

What Should You Do When a Man Is Confused About What He Wants?


Okay, now that you understand he actually knows what he wants, it’s just that he isn’t willing to pay the price for it; it’s time to talk about what you should do.

How to act and should you act at all?

Yes, you should. Sitting around, and waiting for him to grow out of the phase he’s currently in, isn’t the best thing for you to do. However, dumping him because he needs some time to want the same things as you is painful, and you aren’t willing to do it either.

Most women stay strongly involved with a man with confused feelings; they wait for him for a while, pile up the frustration, and eventually explode. That means they pack their stuff and leave his life.

Is that the best option, though?

Here are 10 things you want to consider doing while sorting this situation. They are just suggestions designed to minimize eventual pain and reduce time-waste from your side.

1. Give Him Clarity

Most likely, he has some idea of what you want. That’s why he feels confused.

He understands that what you want from the relationship isn’t what he gives. You want more or different; he isn’t ready to pay the price, so he spends an enormous amount of time trying to come up with a solution.

It is time you make things clear and let him know your expectations. You don’t demand; you don’t blame; you don’t beg or set ultimatums. You let him know you are at a point in your life where you look for a serious relationship and are ready to invest in it yourself. You crave commitment, stability, and mutual respect and understanding from your partner (without specifying he is your partner).

Giving him clarity in the right way is so crucial. He shouldn’t feel pressured, but he must be aware of what you are here for. This puts him in the position of deciding if he wants to be the partner you seek or isn’t ready for it.

2. Give Him Space


After clarity is on the table, you want also to give him space. Now isn’t the time to pressure him, demand answers, or trying to figure out what he thinks of whatever you said.

Now is the time to pull yourself away and let him be with his thoughts. Believe it or not, men need time to think through whatever women serve them. We are emotional, impulsive, and often put too much pressure on our partners. That might annoy them even if they truly love us. Giving him the space to be with himself and away from you is the healthy thing to do.

You don’t break up, and you certainly aren’t avoiding him. However, you also don’t ask him about his feelings every two days, you don’t give him “the look”, and you don’t act like you expect him to start talking about serious stuff himself.

3. Check Up On Him

Keeping the relationship going might be a challenge at this point, yet you want to remind him you are there and you actually want him in your life.

Now would be the best time to actually understand what triggers him to fall in love with you and what makes him take the fast decision to keep you by his side no matter what.

You can quickly turn him from a guy who never looks interested in you into a man who admits he wants to be with you, and he is happy he has you. See this short video for the exact steps.

4. Refuse The Intimacy

Why would you do that? He might get angry and break up with you, and that’s not what you want… If these are your thoughts, then you should definitely refuse any intimacy with him. If he gets angry and breaks up with you… now you know why he was with you in the first place.

If he is truly confused about what he wants, he has to figure out his feelings, and that has nothing to do with your bedroom life. However, breaking up with you because you aren’t willing to give it to him is a huge red flag, a sign of immaturity, and you are welcome – I just saved you a few weeks of mixed signals and misery.

Most women are connecting the physical expression of love with the emotional one. The more you engage with him on an intimate level, the more attached you will feel to him on an emotional level too. However, most men don’t need to feel emotionally attached to the woman they sleep with. They get what they want and will get it until she isn’t willing to give it anymore.

By putting a temporary stop to that sort of investment, you are letting him know that he has to work for you. He must invest on a deeper level if he wants to get anything. He has to be honest, and he has to be okay with it. If he refuses to do all that, then he certainly isn’t the right guy for you.

Doesn’t sound fair? Is it fair you invest emotionally, mentally, and physically into something with no future with a guy who isn’t willing to offer the same?

5. Respect His Feelings


At no point do I ask you to disrespect the way he feels. Just as you crave and wish to be respected and appreciated, he wants the same.

Showing mutual understanding, patience, and respect is the actual game. It might be a game of nerves, and you might wish to just yell in his face, “Figure out what you want and be an adult!” but that would be the last conversation you have together.

You want to show respect, and you want to be gentle with the way you handle the situation. Frustration and blame aren’t welcome here.

6. Find Out If He Is Playing With You

By this point, you already have a rough idea of how things are going. You already cut the intimacy, so you let him know he has to invest more into your relationship. Is he still around? Is he trying to sneak his way around and get whatever he wants?

Is he buying time and avoiding serious talks at any cost? Is he playing like he doesn’t care about you? All those are signs of manipulation. He already knows you want to be with him, so he will use that to trick you to… be with him.

7. Set Your Boundaries

You’ve got your boundaries up. Don’t give them up. No, you don’t act like everything is fine because it isn’t. At the same time, you don’t demand, disrespect, and mock the way he feels.

It is time you find out for yourself if what you want is something he could actually give. Have tough conversations with yourself, be honest. Journal about it, take courses on how healthy relationships work.

8. Have Fun and Live Your Life

Staying home and waiting for him to find out what he wants isn’t a good option. I know many women cannot handle an uncertain situation (myself included). We cannot take the pressure of not knowing where things are going, so we come up with different scenarios and play them in our heads day in and day out.

That isn’t healthy, and you know it.

Have fun. Go out with friends. Why not having fun with him too. Enjoy your lives and pile up some awesome memories together. That counts a lot.

9. Set a Time Frame For Yourself


He shouldn’t be aware of it, yet you need to set a time frame. You wouldn’t want to sit around for the next two years waiting for him to have all the drinks with his friends, achieve all of his goals and grow his mentality to a point where he wants to be with you and no one else.

If you stay and wait for him long enough, you might actually give him the wrong signals. He will feel comfortable, your serious talks on “where this is going” will fade away, and you both just stay where you are. Your relationship won’t evolve unless one of you takes the step. You already took your step. Give him limited time to take him too.

How much time should you give him?

It really depends on how long you’ve been together, how long you are willing to wait, and what is a reasonable amount of time to wait. It could be a month or a year. What makes you feel comfortable? What would you consider a waste of time?

10. Search for Other Options


As I mentioned above, your man already knows what he wants. He says he doesn’t know what he wants because he isn’t ready to pay the price for what you want.

However, someone out there might be willing to pay that price, and you will be so happy once you meet that guy. Keep your eyes open because while your guy is trying to figure out his confused feelings, he might actually see you getting married to the love of your life.

Conclusion on What Should You Do When a Man Is Confused About What He Wants

Before I leave you to think through all you read here, I would like to invite you to be confident and assertive about what you want.

Too many women are aware they want a healthy and fulfilling relationship with someone willing to give what they take, yet they compromise with happiness daily.

You don’t want to be the one who loves more in the relationship. You don’t want to be the one who gives but never receives. You don’t want to compromise in the name of fake happiness that always peaks around the corner, but you never get more than a glimpse of it.

There are so many good men out there who just know what they want and are ready to take it the moment they see it. Once you meet that man, he will shower you with gentleness; he will be attentive and inspire you to be your best self. He will be there for you, and you will be there for him, and that is not just a song. It’s what a healthy relationship should be like.

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What Should You Do When a Man Is Confused About What He Wants

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